Your Love Will Kill Me
by TheatreJunkieJess
Summary: "You will be the death of me. I can feel it in my bones, as if it has always been your destiny to destroy me." Severus Snape and Lily's relationship through their younger years into their early adult life. Here is the story Snape didn't give Harry.
1. Chapter 1

She peered up at the tall lanky boy; his long black hair was a piercing contrast to his shockingly pale skin. Deep black eyes stared back at her, devoid of life. They seemed to drink in the light around them leaving only shadows in their wake. Although his hair acted as a curtain for his face she could make out his sharp cheekbones. And he had a nose too big for his gaunt face, no he wasn't handsome in the conventional way but he was intriguing.

Severus crossed his arms over his chest and brushed past her as he skulked away towards the slytherin common room. He belonged in the depths of the dark dungeon. He would read something, a spell book, perhaps even classic muggle literature if the desire struck his fancy, anything to not think of her.

She looked around and took in the sight of the castle. Floating candles hovered above her and she often wondered if the hot wax had ever dripped down and burnt some poor soul's head. The thought made her laugh aloud. Everyone stared at her as if she were mad. She stood up and made her way to find Severus.

She caught sight of him turning a corner and disappearing down a deserted corridor. He hadn't gone to the common room after all, but towards the astronomy tower. He had changed his mind and stalked off in search of solitude that the common room would not provide. Lily felt his presence before she caught up with him. He was angry still, a bitter coldness shot through him but she approached him nonetheless. Severus didn't look up from his book, he focused on the yellow pages, old and worn knowing he would be unable to take in the words with her so near.

"Sev?" He didn't respond. "Severus, look at me please?" grudgingly he met her bright gaze. "Are you alright?" "Terrific." He sneered. She just stood there not knowing what to say to make everything alright again. He lowered his gaze back to his book and resumed his inspection of the torn up pages.

"They should have never done that to you, it was wrong-" he slammed the book shut. "Never speak of it. Never." Then his voice softened. "Besides…I'll get them back, Potter and Black." His dark eyes narrowed. She reached her hand out and placed it upon his which rested on top of the book.

"And what is your plan?" He drew his hand away from hers.

"Will you be staying at Hogwarts this Christmas break?" He asked instead, changing the subject, though he knew she wouldn't, she never did.

Taking the hint she tilted her head to the side and gave him an understanding look. Then she seemed to brighten up once again and spoke excitedly.

"About that I was wondering if…well you see I talked to my mum and she thought it would be alright if you stayed with us for Christmas this year."

He stared at her blankly. She twisted her finger around a red curl suddenly a little self-conscious,

"um of course if you don't want to that's alright…"

"What's the catch?" he asked slyly and she gasped, "Sev you think just because I'm inviting my best friend over for Christmas there must be a catch? You honestly-" His look of disbelief silenced her. She sighed.

"Alright Sev, besides wanting to spend Christmas with you I want you to go see your family." Severus glared off into the distance. "Why?" "It's been three years, I know they haven't been the best of parents but- (he sneered) they're still your family and I feel like if you never go back- as you keep telling me, you'll regret it one day."

Severus snarled; "You don't understand. I don't have a family; I have a blood-relation to two people, one a stranger, the other my enemy. I hate my father and I know nothing pertaining to that distant woman who calls herself my mother."

"I know it's been hard, but I really think you should go see them. And if it goes as horribly as your foreboding expectations foretell, then I'll never bring them up again." She added cheerfully.

Severus said nothing, simply continued to glare into the distance. At last he spoke, "And this is the only way I can spend Christmas with you?" "Yes." She said as a smile spread upon her face. He sighed, "I suppose."

She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. Severus hesitantly wrapped his arms around her. He let himself relax and breathed in the scent of her hair. Lily smelled like wildflowers, she always did. It reminded him of the days when they were children and would play together in the meadow.

She let go of him and he held on to her for a moment longer, a moment too long perhaps and she stood there awkwardly. But she knew better than to say anything. Once he let go he wouldn't touch her again for a while. He would avoid all physical contact with her if possible, all the while she would carelessly brush her fingertips against his when she passed him in the halls, or pick some imaginary piece of lint out of his hair and he would feel her hands warm on his neck and her fingers gently pull through his hair- it drove him mad at times. It was her favorite game; she never could understand why he acted so strangely.

He let go of her and returned his attention to his book, now able to concentrate and actually read the words on the old torn pages. Yet she was restless. The cold December air beckoned her, its winter wind whispered to her that change was approaching. It told her she was on the verge of something yet unknown.

"Put your book away and follow me, I think it's about to snow." He raised an eyebrow but did as she requested.

She linked her arm through his and led him outside. "Now just wait." She whispered as if the winter would overhear her and refuse its blessing of snow to fall. Soon enough snowflakes trickled down from the heavens. She giggled with delight and let go of his arm. He watched her as she danced and spun around. Muggle-borns were so strange.

Yet he enjoyed watching her spin in circles, her hair flying about her face, her eyes bright and gleaming with sheer childish delight. The snow began to fall heavier. Her nose was turning pink from the cold but she continued to play.

"Dance with me Severus!" He shook his head. "I think we should head inside now, before you catch a cold." He teased her lightly. "Just one dance?" She had stopped twirling and was staring into his coal black eyes, her emerald ones pleading. "Very well." He agreed reluctantly and led her further into the falling snow away from the sight of the world and near the edge of the forbidden forest. They began to dance. She was laughing wholeheartedly. Time passed quickly, the sun grew further and further away. They danced for a long while both smiling and her giggling. He spun her around and she followed his lead. She felt as if she would follow him anywhere at the moment and paid no mind as they danced closer and closer to the forbidden forest.

It was getting dark, they should've been back in their dorms by now but the call of the wild enchanted them both. He led her further away from civilization and danced with her closer to the edge of the unknown. He wondered what she would do if she passed into the forest on her own. Suddenly he spun her then let go. He watched as she twirled away into the darkening forest. He lost sight of her momentarily. Then he heard her scream.

Severus ran to her. "Are you alright?" he bent down and tried to help her up. She limped, her ankle tricking blood. She had fallen over a branch. His eyes filled with worry and he swore. "I never meant to hurt you!" He picked her up easily in his arms and carried her light little self back into the castle. "It's nothing Sev, really just a bad cut, I'm fine." "No! Damn it I wouldn't have let you go if I thought for a moment you would get yourself bloodied up". As they entered the castle he spotted a bench and placed her down gently. "Let me see your ankle." He gently took her ankle in his hands and examined it. "You're right; it's nothing serious I can heal you in a moment." Severus slipped out his wand and muttered a healing spell. His voice was low and gentle, as if he were quietly singing her a lullaby. Instantly her ankle was as good as new. Still he kept his eyes lowered and wouldn't met her gaze.

"Thank you Sev." He stood up and turned away. "Go to bed little girl, there are things in the darkness you should never know." "I'm not afraid of the dark." She whispered. He turned to look at her and said with all seriousness. "Then you are foolish." And he walked away, his slytherin robe billowing behind him with his long strides. She felt the suffocating darkness of his soul leave her, felt his intense presence fade from her. Tonight when he led her into the forest, the thrill of potential danger he had put them both in had stimulated his senses, only he never thought she'd end up hurt. Severus would never let anything happen to her which was why he was so cross with himself at the moment. She smiled sadly to herself before making her way to her dorm. "I will save you Sev, I promise you."

* * *

The next day, a bright Saturday morning revealed a heavy snowy blanket to be lying upon the earth. Lily and Severus walked through it; it glittered as if it encompassed countless little diamonds. She looked around at the beauty of winter with bright eyes which held a deep fascination for all that surrounded her.

Unlike Lily who seemed to emanate a light of her own Severus appeared out of place in this early winter snow. His long black hair fell into his coal black eyes and his long black robe trailed slightly behind him seeming to stain the purity of the white ground.

"What does the winter remind you of Severus?" "Death." He muttered. "Everything dies in the bitter coldness, withers away and fades to nothing. The trees lose their leaves and always look hungry with their bare branches reaching out greedily to whoever passes them by."

Lily stopped walking and stared at him with a sudden sadness in her large emerald eyes. "But it is so beautiful, look around you, I don't see death. I see the earth resting and I see the trees calmly waiting to begin life anew. It is a change but not the end."

Severus scowled, she was heartbreakingly innocent. She always found loveliness in the most trivial things.

She smiled up at him and shivered lightly. "You are cold." He stated in his soft spoken tone.

"Only a little." She confessed, adjusting her red and gold Gryffindor scarf around her. Without another word he shrugged off his slytherin robe and placed it around her shoulders. "Oh Sev I couldn't, you will just freeze!" He shook his head. "I am used to coldness, you forget I'm not like you Gryffindors, I reside within the dungeons." The corners of his mouth tugged upward slightly as she pulled her arms through the sleeves.

"Well how do I look?" Severus stood back to take it in, she was quite the sight. His robe was much too long for her and dragged helplessly in the snow, her hands were completely hidden and the contrast of her red and gold Gryffindor scarf, her long red waves of hair and reddening nose to the green in his robe reminded him of Christmas. He reached out and rolled up the sleeves of his robe so that her hands were visible.

He nodded, "Lovely Lily." She giggled and linked her arm with his once again. She leaned into him, and whispered: "Sometimes I wish with all my heart for a single moment to last a lifetime…no more than that, I wish for it to be everlasting…" she sighed "Do you ever feel that way."

He gazed at her for a long while then murmured…"Yes, I have known such moments."

As they walked back towards the castle arm in arm it was no question she belonged to him in some unspoken way.

Severus ran after Lily down the path towards the forbidden forest, a bottle of firewisky under one arm. They were laughing wildly. Filch's yells echoed in the distance, they had lost him splitting up and taking unusual routes, their plan had worked marvelously.

Lily dogged into the forest and Severus followed, slowing his pace. They both collapsed on a fallen tree, trying to regain breath. Lily blinked back tears of laughter as she clutched at her aching sides. "That-was-close. Too –close!" She gasped. Severus shrugged. "I told you that we wouldn't get caught…now getting back into the castle will be another escapade entirely." He popped off the top of the firewhiskey and took a deep swig. Lily playfully snatched it from him and gulped down an equally impressive amount before fainting dramatically on to Sev's shoulder, "Then we shall stay here forever and you can build us a house. We will ride the centaurs and become friends with the fey and then we will have 6 babies and they will all be named Sily, for Sev and Lily!" She squealed in joy at her brilliant plan.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Are you drunk after one sip Ms. Evans?" She narrowed her eyes. "No Sev, it's called humor, you should try it sometime." He smirked, "Ah-that was humor was it? Must have eluded me." She stuck her tongue out at him. He tsked, "How pretty." Lily raised the bottle in the air. "We must make a toast! To sneaking out with good company!" She took another swig then handed the bottle to Severus who shook his head, "To friends who will be there, always." And he drained a fair portion of the bottle.

They drank through the night laughing and carrying on. Lily threw her arms around Severus' neck. He tensed and felt a strange feeling in his stomach, though that could have been all the whiskey. Her face was close to his as she leaned in closer. "If I-if I told you something, would you promise not to laugh at me?" Lily slurred lightly, resting all her weight against Severus, leaning off his neck. He placed his arms around her waist to steady her; again he felt that nervous sensation in the pit of his stomach.

"I wouldn't laugh at you…well not this time anyway." She laughed, burying her face in his chest. "You smell…strange." She said after a moment. Severus laughed quietly, "Should I say thank you or be offended?" Lily giggled and raised her face up to his. "Not in a bad way just…different, you smell like…night."

She was thoughtful now he raised an eyebrow, as best he could, hoping he wasn't making some stupid drunken face. Lily leaned her face down into his chest once more and inhaled deeply. "I can't place it, but it reminds me of…trouble." He nodded, "You're most likely referring to the scent of cloves, I was smoking a few earlier with Lucius."

Lily raised a finger pretending to scold him. Then added, "That could be part of it…anyway wasn't I telling you something?" Severus nodded again. "Yes, we were talking about-we were talking 'bout…I'll be damned if I know!" He swayed slightly and change positions so that he leaned on lily. She ran her fingers through his hair hopelessly attempting to work through the tangles. "Oh yes my deep dark secret, I was gonna tell you!" She hiccupped lightly. Severus tried to focus on her more clearly, what dark secret could Lily Evans have? Perhaps she collected endangered butterflies or something. He snorted in amusement. Lily cleared her throat.

"So here it is…Sev, I've been thinking, and I think-I think we should try kissing. I mean every-one does it and I haven't and I think you'd have told me if you did so…lets snog, just to say we did." Suddenly Severus' mind became sober. He narrowed his eyes. "You've had too much to drink; you've lost your mind." He grabbed the near empty bottle from her hands and downed the remaining drops. Lily shook her head.

"No, I wanna try it, with you! I want my first time to be with my best frieeeend." She managed a wink. Severus scoffed, "Are you feeling alright? Your vision must be horribly blurred if you can look at me and say you want to do that." She pouted. "You don't want to? You don't want to see what all this talk of snogging is all 'bout?" Severus' head was spinning for more than one reason. "No it's not that I just"- his words trailed off as lily brought her lips close to his, almost touching. Her radiant green eyes were fixed on his deep dark ones. Then she closed her eyes. Severus did the same.

The next instant Lily was doubled over, retching. Severus opened his eyes to see she had thrown up all over his shoes. She was crying. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm so stupid!" Severus placed one hand on her back and rubbed it gently in small circles; with his other he clumsily reached for his wand uttering a cleansing spell and the mess vanished. "Hush Lily, it's alright. But I think we've had enough excitement for one night, I'll take you back to your dorm." She looked devastated and couldn't meet his eyes. But she nodded and let him pull her up. She leaned against him and he stumbled back towards the castle.

They stood outside the Gryffindor common room. "Are you alright Lily? Can you make it safely to your bed?" She smiled weakly. "Yeah, thanks Sev." He looked at her with a deep concern and after deciding she would be alright on her own he said goodnight and made for his own common room, nearly falling over his robes more than once. It had been a miracle they hadn't been caught sneaking back into the school with all the noise they had made stumbling through the halls.

Severus walked quickly towards the dungeons when he heard voices nearby. He ducked into an open class room and crouched down. He felt a sense of relief as he realized that the voices belonged to students.

"You're going to do what now?"

"I'm going to make her like me; I mean how could she not?"

Potter. His mere voice grated on Severus' nerves. Severus peered out at the gang of Gryffindors who had stopped to continue their chat. Severus growled. He just wanted to go to his common room and go to bed. He was rather drunk and was in no state fit to tackle Potter and his hexes. Severus found himself trapped, waiting for Potter to lead his little admirers away.

"And how are you gonna do that mate? She's always hanging all over Snivillus!" Black stated chuckling. Severus tried to shake off the wave of nausea that had come across him. They were talking about Lily.

As if to confirm this Potter cursed than spat on the ground glaring at Black. "Evans is just too nice for her own good. I'll show her what a real man is like…why do you think she spends so much time with him anyway?"

"Maybe she has a thing for grease, just don't wash your hair for a week and she'll come prancing along throwing herself all over you." Severus rolled his eyes. He did wash his hair but he didn't waste hours on it. He had better things to do than spend every waking moment primping it like Potter and Black.

Lupin sighed, making himself known for the first time. "It's getting late let's go to bed guys."

Potter ran his hand through his hair, tousling it. primping, Severus thought mockingly.

"Look I really, well like Evans, she's different from the other girls." How cliché, the preppy jerk wants the one thing he can't have. Severus thought bitterly, feeling his mouth curl into his infamous sneer.

"Then go get her, she's a nice piece of-

"Don't go there Sirius." Remus warned. Black glanced over at Potter who had bawled his fists and raised his eyebrows. He sighed.

"Wow, she must really be special." Black mumbled sarcastically then strode off towards the Gryffindor common room. Potter and Lupin exchanged irritated looks before following him.

Once they were out of sight Severus angrily traveled to the dungeons, swept through the Slytherin common room and found his bed at last.

* * *

Lily sat beside Severus as usual in potions class the next day. She peaked at him to find him sulking over his books. He always loved potions and was brilliant with it. But today his mind was elsewhere. Lily pretended to focus on her recipe for the love spell. She noticed his tie was loosened and was brushing against the desk as he grudgingly read the directions for the day's assignment. She slyly took hold of his tie and twisted it around her quill.

He shot a glare at her and snarled. "Release my tie at once, Ms. Evans." She looked innocently away and tugged at his tie forcing him to lean into her. "And what will you give me?" she teased. "How about I don't slip a few drops of this ridiculous potion into your morning pumpkin juice along with a hair of professor Slughorn's thus resulting in you becoming infatuated with him?" he said, snatching his tie away from her. Lily winked at him and in response he narrowed his eyes and hissed, "You are truly no better than a Cornish Pixie!" She laughed aloud.

The professor turned to them. "Now what are my two brightest students up to causing so much racket?"

Severus shot Lily a look of death. She smiled sweetly. "Forgive me professor, I was thinking about what a delight it would be if I used this love potion on Mr. Snape. Perhaps that way he may lighten up and actually seem pleasant, if only temporarily of course.

The entire class laughed and even the professor cracked a smile. "Well in that case, carry on!"

Severus stood up. "You are all pathetic," he spat through clenched teeth. And forgetting his books he stalked out of the room. The class silenced, stunned. Snape was always the quiet one who did his work and stayed to himself. People would over hear his snide remarks here and there but he never lost control and raised his voice to anyone. Lily looked up the professor with pleading eyes, and he nodded once in understanding, returned to the lesson.

Lily picked up Severus's forgotten books along with her own and swiftly made her way out of the class. She wasn't sure where to begin but she had a feeling he would go somewhere quiet and out of sight. She thought for a moment and knew just where to find him.

Snape sat under the willow tree by the glittering lake, his nose buried in some spell book. Lily approached him. "What is the matter with you my friend?"

He said not a word, of course. She sighed and sat down on the cold ground beside him. "Remember when we were children and we would sit just as this, Sev?" He paused then nodded slowly. She continued, "And we would tell each other fantastic stories?" Again he nodded. She rested her head against his shoulder. "And tell each other all of our secrets." "Yes and we would speak for hours until you were called home for dinner." He recalled. There was a comfortable silence. Then Lily gazed out at the bright snow around them and whispered, "I'll never forget how you found me, seemed to have appeared out of thin air and told me I was a witch." She closed her eyes, head still resting on Severus' shoulder.

He looked down at her; there was a little smile upon his lips. Her bright red hair shone in the sunlight like wild fire, but her face was serene. He stayed there while she rested, not daring to move and disturb her. He reached over and took a strand of her hair in his fingertips. He was still bothered though, struggling with the knowledge that Potter fancied her. She was too kind and may fall for his trap. He'd make a fool out of her, and Severus would not let that happen, ever. In fact he would do anything to keep Potter away from Lily.


	2. Chapter 2

"You don't even want to see them once over the break?"

"No."

"But Sev, they're your parents and…" her voice trailed off as she met the intensity of his gaze and was forced to look away. They were sitting across from one another in an otherwise empty compartment of the Hogwarts express on their way home for Christmas break.

"It won't be that Bad Sev, I'm sure they've miss you. And besides you'll be coming to my house for Christmas so you have that to look forward to"

Severus hated his muggle father and there had always been an indissoluble distance with his mother. He remembered all too vividly the childhood he had spent listening to their arguing, watching his mother cower in fear of his father's wrath then refusing to talk to Severus about anything, and he himself hiding as to not let his father get him no matter how loud he yelled for him. But he had agreed, against his better judgment in order to spend Christmas day with Lily.

Lily must have seen upon his face the dark thoughts going through his mind for she quickly changed the subject. "Wait until you see the tree Sev, we have all these silly decorations-some of them I made as a child- oh they're just awful, but mum won't have Christmas without them!" she laughed. He smiled distantly.

Then Lily gazed at him thoughtfully. "And you don't mind that my family are muggles?" He hesitated. "From what you've told me your parents seem very good to you, what more could one ask for….now Petunia…well I doubt she'll be looking forward to seeing me again." He smirked.

"Oh I'm sure she'll be happy to see you, it's been so long!" Severus raised an eyebrow. "mhm."

_Later that night ..._

Severus made his way down the street towards Spinner's end, a black bag draped over his shoulder with clothes. Dread weighed heavily in his chest as he reluctantly walked up the broken stairs to the old wooden door. Perhaps Lily was right though, perhaps his parents would want to see him; after all it had been… what had Lily said- close to 3 years since his last visit?

The cold December air whipped his hair wildly around his face. He rapped upon the door. He heard the handle turn. His father looked straight into his eyes; they were the same height now. Tobias looked neither pleased nor displeased to see his son, he simply nodded and said; "Come in." But Severus noticed the irritated jerk of his father's head as he turned and lead Severus into the drawing room where his mother sat reading. She didn't look up as he entered.

His father spoke, "Eileen, look who's stopped by most unexpectedly." She raised her head from her book slowly and met her son's gaze. Her eyes turned his blood cold, they were as blank as he remembered but now they looked dead, even gray in place of the blue he was sure had once been there. However; as she saw her son her face lit up for a moment and a look of surprise softened her features.

"Severus, you…you're so tall now!" The boy in black nodded but said nothing. His mother stood up hesitantly and made her way over to him, obviously unsure of what to do, they had never been close. She awkwardly hugged him. Severus couldn't remember her ever touching him before, much less hugging him. He paused for a moment, and then weakly returned her half-hearted embrace. They were hardly touching but neither one moved to release the other.

Like him, she wasn't beautiful in the classical sense but she was striking nonetheless. A woman with pale eyes but lips as red as blood appearing as if they were painted upon her white face. She had long midnight hair which flowed down the length of her back and there a tragic air about her. She seemed to have lost all of her spirit and simply exist much like a ghost; an imprint of the person she once was. As a young woman she had been passionate, falling in love with a muggle against her pure-blood family's wishes. They had disowned her but it hadn't mattered, she had been head over heels for the stranger in black. But what had he done? Seduced her and married her only to discover her to be a witch and deluded himself into believing she had used magic to force him to marry her when nothing could have been further from the truth. He had spent the rest of his life making sure hers was miserable and she became fragile and lost more and more of herself until she had become this delicate doll that Severus held onto.

"How touching." His father's mocking voice spat out at them. Quickly she pulled away from her son but couldn't take her eyes off of him. "I am very glad to see you again Severus, We thought you'd never return." His father scoffed. "Speak for yourself I knew he'd come back, where else has he got to go, besides that damn devil's school?"

Severus shot Tobias a dark look but said nothing. His father shrugged. Eileen continued to stare at Severus as if she were seeing him for the first time. Hungrily her eyes moved over her son, taking in every detail of his appearance. He looked so different to her, there was a strong confidence about him, intelligence in his manner, overall there was darkness within his soul, resentment in the way he looked at his father but cruelty did not yet taint his heart.

"Severus you will be staying I presume?" He thought for a moment, "I shall." His father laughed bitterly; "As I said, where else has he got to go?" Severus spoke through clenched teeth; "Lily Evans has invited me over to her house for Christmas, so I shall thank you for keeping any other little comments to yourself."

Both his mother and father looked at him in shock. He'd never said a word against his father; he was raised to know better. His dad turned a dark red but as he opened his mouth Eileen cut him off.

"Tobias he's just excited to be home, let's not dampen his spirits." Even as she said it her words lacked sincerity. His father laughed cruelly but said no more. Excited…that was rather funny. Severus followed his mother into the kitchen leaving his father in the drawing room.

"Why do you stay with him mum?" She gazed at him impassively. "Now Severus that's a horrible thing to ask, your father has been a good….provider…" her voice trailed off as she continued to gaze distantly, her overly rehearsed response forgotten. Severus straightened up and gestured around the house. "You call this providing for you? This …this hell house?"

She began to busy herself with pots and pans. "That's enough out of you, you should be thankful for what you have." Her voice was stern and the lines of sullenness were apparent on her face. It was a lost cause, she had fallen in love with a fairytale and when that fairytale shattered she had cut herself off from the world, from reality and no longer believed in dreams.

Severus reached out and took his mother by the wrists, forcing her to look up into his dark eyes. "I bet he doesn't even let you use magic, does he?" his voice was soft but his stare was intense. He seemed to read her very soul. She dropped her eyes from her son's, she didn't know who this strange young man was before her who held her wrists securely but not painfully, who spoke without fear but instead determination. He was no longer the quiet little boy who would flee from the yelling of his parents, who would cry himself to sleep and hide from his father's wrath. No, Severus' eyes had been dry for many years and he found confidence in his skill of magic, he was becoming a great wizard.

Eileen pulled her hands away and Severus did not try to stop her. She returned to the pots and pans and began looking for ingredients to cook. Even after 16 years she was a stranger to him yet he ached to save her. He loathed the emptiness in her eyes which had been the result of his father's cruel abusive nature. But it seemed she didn't want to be saved. He watched her silently as if he were nothing but shadow.

Finally he turned away and walked up the creaky old stairs to what was once his room. It was the same, small and dark with candles melted down to various sizes. There wasn't anything personal about the room, he had ceased calling this place home the moment he boarded the Hogwarts express. He looked to the little bed which remained unmade, there was a book so ratted and torn upon the floor it was impossible to discern what it had been. He narrowed his eyes; there were no good memories here. His mother had never shown him anything close to affection; she'd hardly even spoken to him from what he could remember. The reason he had bothered letting Lily persuade him to come back here eluded him.

His mother called that dinner was ready. Severus stared out of the only window in his room. It was gloomy out, the streets were already dark and there was a mixture of rain and snow falling from the sky, creating some slushy substance in between. Everything looked dead to him.

He made his way down the stairs towards the dining room, he hadn't any appetite and instead of sitting down he leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. Tobias glared. "What's your problem then? Sit your arse down and eat the food your mother has made, or is this not good enough for you anymore?" Severus sneered. "Not at all, I'm simply not hungry." His mother's face was lowed and she picked absently at her food, pretending to not take notice of the scene building before her. His father slammed his fists down on the table. "Sit down!" he bellowed. Severus raised an eyebrow. His mother made a coughing sound; he looked at her but her eyes remained unfocused and lowered. Deliberately he sat down.

His father laughed his cruel laugh. "Hell house huh? Well I guess that's what anything would be to a spoiled little brat living in a castle." Severus glared at his father. "You were listening to our conversation?" Tobias slammed his fists upon the table once more, making the glasses tremble. "Damn right, I'll listen to whatever I want to in my own house! And what is that shit about how your mother should leave me?" Severus leaned back in his chair lazily. "Well she should, you are just a pathetic muggle." Tobias stood up now and was fuming. "Don't you dare, you're just as shameful as your bitch-pardon me, witch mother!" There was an unpleasant smile on his face. Severus stood up now and growled. "What are you going to do to me, father- (he spat the word like venom.) I can do magic now, I could destroy you. I could torture you into madness or wipe you off the face of this world with a flick of my wrist and a wave of my wand." His fingers twitched at his side desperately yearning to take up his wand, what would be the harm in one spell? One little unforgivable cruse…or if not an unforgiveable curse perhaps one of his own inventions? Sectumsempra would do. His father paled in pure fury.

His mother spoke up then, "Severus you will be expelled and you know it, you are underage." But only just…still the cold hard truth bit him and he came to his senses, he could not yet use magic outside of school.

His father cried out "So the truth at last! Ah it is sweet." Then in an instant his father reached over and slammed Severus onto the table dragging him across it, breaking dishes and glasses as he pulled Severus to his side. Severus had been completely taken off guard; glass broke beneath him, cutting through his robes to his skin. He felt warm sticky liquid seeping from him but began to fight his father nonetheless. His father grabbed a fistful of his hair and jerked his son's head back. "I'll teach you to smart mouth me devil child." And his fist collided with his son's face. Severus fell to the floor. He hauled himself up quickly and looked from his father to his mother who appeared confused and said quickly, "Maybe you should go."

Severus stared at her in disbelief, she really was lost. His father smirked, "And you said wizards were above us normal people." Snape attempted to wipe some blood away from his face, yet only managed to smear it around. "You'll see." He whispered and walked out of the house without a last look to anyone or anything.

He walked into the night, his bag of a few clothes draped over his shoulder carelessly. The slushy mixture of rain and snow drenched him as he walked without purpose and without anywhere to go. The blood was drying on his face but fresh blood still seeped from beneath his clothes and he stopped to pick out the little shards of glass from his skin. How long he had wandered around aimlessly he couldn't be sure for the night stretched on and soon he was no longer cold, his body had ceased all feeling and he had stopped shaking. Though he doubted this was a good sign, he had lost a lot of blood and was becoming light headed. Sopping wet in the freezing cold which he could no longer feel he finally came to a decision and walked to Lily's house.

He knocked at her window, gently. As she pushed aside the curtains she let you a little scream. His hair was matted with dried blood and one of his eyes seemed to be swollen shut. She opened the window clumsily in her distress.

"Sev what happened to you?" He swayed where he stood. "I'm sorry to bother you, I had nowhere else to go, he was right." "Who was right-oh never mind that now come along to the front and let's get you inside!"

A few moments later he was standing in door way as Lily and her parents rushed about him. "Of course you will stay with us Severus, though we weren't expecting you until much later you have no choice now." They spoke kindly to him but he only heard half of the things that were being said to him. He mumbled something about his father and about magic and something concerning a disagreement but his sentences were choppy and he continued to sway as he stood.

"This boy needs rest. Get him to the spare room Lily, and run a hot bath so he can get cleaned up and then Severus for heaven's sake wrap up in some blankets!" Her mother spoke quickly, she had never met Severus face to face but she felt as if she knew him, Lily had spoken of him countless times and her parents were quite aware he was her best friend.

Lily led Sev to the spare room and ran a hot bath. As he bathed she waited for him on the bed, nervously biting her finger nails. He emerged from the bathroom in a black long sleeve shirt and black sweat pants, his hair dripped down his back.

"Hey Sev." She said quietly. He walked over and flopped face down on the bed, carelessly leaving his bag of clothes on the floor. "Mum said I should let you rest after your bath but I had to make sure you were alright first, I mean with blood dripping down your face and everything….it scared me."

He rolled over on his back and looked up at her. "Thank you." She nodded. "Well I guess we'll talk more in the morning." He sat up so she could hug him; her cheeks were wet with tears. "Good night Sev." "Good night." He murmured.

Severus lay awake in the spare bedroom, he was replaying the horrible scene of the night in his mind, but it was his mother's eyes which haunted him, eyes so blank as he had looked to her for help as his father hit him, they seemed glazed over as if she were truly blind. It was safe to say Severus was no longer welcomed in that house.

He heard light footsteps creaking down the stairs towards the room in which he lay. Softly she knocked, "Sev, are you awake?" "Yeah." Lily crept in and closed the door behind her; she made her way over to him in her pale pink nightgown. He moved to sit up but she shook her head. "No you rest." She came to sit cross legged on the bed as he lay back down. Neither spoke for a while but Lily reached down and brushed his long dark hair away from his face. He stared up at her with eyes dark and deep, full of pain and anger; he looked years beyond his age. There were lines of hatred already appearing creased between his eyes and his mouth slightly pulled downward in a permanent scowl. And it was this which seemed to hurt Lily even more perhaps than seeing the bruise forming around his left eye. That glimpse inside his soul, a sense of bitterness shockingly strong. Still there was something within him yet, some small flickering light; though how much longer it would burn she didn't know.

"How are you feeling?" She asked gently. "My father dragged me across the table, shattering glasses with my body as he did so, then proceeded to get a good hit to my face, all the while my mum watched as if she were a ghost unable to do anything… not too sure how I feel." He spoke plainly.

She was at a loss of words to comfort him; she reached her hand out again and began touching his hair, brushing her fingers through it, being damp it was softer than she had expected. He closed his eyes and for a moment he relaxed into her touch, savoring it as if this was a dream he would soon wake from…but his mind was troubled and he could not remain at ease. He muttered; "I don't want to feel anything anymore…I won't feel anything anymore." Severus hadn't any idea what he was saying, he was becoming disoriented from his rising fever since he had stood in the rain and slush with nowhere to turn but Lily, the only thing he had left. His body was trembling, he felt sick to his stomach now and clenched it tightly, willing himself not to be sick, not here, not now, not with her so near.

There were tears in Lily's eyes as she continued to stroke his hair. "Don't say that Sev, you wouldn't want to be completely numb, this will all end, everything you are going through will come to an end. And then things will get better, you deserve that."

Severus opened his eyes and met her gaze, his was bloodshot. "Would you stay by my side if the world turned against me? Would you be the one person I can trust? Remain my candle in this suffocating dark?" Lily stared wide-eyed and shocked; did he know what he was saying? She placed her hand on his forehead, he was burning up. But automatically she nodded. "What are best friends for?"

"I love you Lily." He murmured as he fell out of consciousness once again. Lily stared down at her dearest friend; never had she felt so torn in all her life. None of her friends understood it, why she made excuses for Severus all these years, why she bothered to hang around him despite his rather sardonic and sometimes unpleasant slytherin manner. But they didn't know him like she did. They didn't see pain in his eyes which he could hide from anyone but her. They didn't know of the miserable life he'd endured. But most of all no one knew of his softer side with her, the tenderness he showed only towards her. She watched him fidget; even in sleep he was restless. She knew she couldn't give up on him, not yet. There was still so much good in him, but you had to find it behind his walls of resentment he'd built for the world.

She moved slowly as not to wake him but couldn't make herself leave his side. She looked at his face, at the deep bruise forming around his left eye, morbid curiosity made her reach down and pull one of his sleeves up; sure enough there were a hundred tiny gashes. He turned in his sleep causing his shirt to ride up. Lily gasped; more little gashes were engraved along his pale body. "Oh Severus, I'm so sorry, I should never have convinced you to go to them…you knew better." She hesitantly laid down and rested her head on his chest, quietly sobbing into him "I didn't know…I didn't know." Her voice was nothing more than a tortured whisper.

Sunlight gleamed in through the window and was shining on Severus' white face. He opened his eyes slowly; it took effort to open his left eye, only managing a slit. It was swollen pretty badly. His stomach was still hurting but other than that he felt much better than he had the night before. He felt a slight weight on his aching stomach which made him uncomfortable and peered down. There was Lily sleeping, her head rested upon him. He placed his hand upon her head and stroked her hair absent mindedly as he tried to recall the events of the night before. He couldn't remember clearly it was all just a haze.

Lily nuzzled her face into his stomach contently as she slept. He noticed that his shirt had ridden up and her lips were now pressed against his bare skin, brushing against him as if she were placing kisses across his body unknowingly. He moaned quietly, though out of his own discomfort or pleasure it was unclear.

She must have heard him for she woke with a start, instantly realizing she was laying on top of him, head buried in his bare skin and she froze, praying that when she picked her head up he would still be sleeping and not have noticed her. As she raised her head though and met his curious gaze, all fears were realized. He laughed at her expression as she blushed. "Sorry I don't know what happened last night…." He shrugged. "Neither do I." This comment of his seemed to bother her. "Wait you don't remember anything?" He cocked his head to the side trying to read her, "no…is there something I should know?" she crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you telling me you don't recall everything you said last night?" Now he looked petrified, "T-The things I s-said, what things!" He turned paler which Lily thought would've been impossible.

She shook her head, "Never mind." He studied her face. "hmm you know I can use a Veritaserum potion to extract the truth from you?" He murmured playfully. She glared at him then stood up. "I'm going to go wash my face and set things up for breakfast." Severus watched her saunter away and wondered, both horrified and intrigued by her reaction what he could have said in his feverish haze.

Severus remained polite but reserved through out breakfast, he thanked Lily's family for letting him stay but it was obvious he felt a bit uncomfortable, with strangers' much less strange muggles. However he was pleasant enough. After breakfast Lily and Severus went outside down to the lake where they used to lay in the grass as children. Now it was covered lightly in snow and she leaned on Severus, her arm locked with his and looked out at the icy lake.

"Do you want to talk about last night?"

"There's nothing left to say." Severus stated emotionlessly.

Lily nodded and changed the subject, "It feels so odd being back here with you after so long when I feel as if it was just the other day when we sat here and you told me all about Hogwarts." He peered down at her from beneath his curtain of hair. "I wanted you to be in Slytherin with me."

"I know you did Sev... I've missed you. I know that we have classes in school but that's not the same, I miss this." She gestured to the lake and the meadow around them. "The way we could get away from everyone and everything and just…talk." He placed his hands on her face and she closed her eyes, he kissed her tenderly on the top of her head, just as he had when they were children.

"You don't have to miss me Lily; I'll be here for you, always."

She reached out and placed her hand upon his chest, over his heart. His stomach flipped in a combination of excitement and nervousness, how unlike him. He didn't look away from her face, his eyes intense. His heart pounded beneath her hand and she knew he was speaking the truth. He would be hers always. "I know the feeling." She whispered in response to his quickening heartbeat. And without a word Severus leaned into Lily, bringing his lips near hers, there was a moment of hesitation but then his lips met hers and he kissed her gently. She gasped and pulled away from him, staring wide-eyed. Then she started laughing and threw her arms around his neck. He kissed her again, deeply this time.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and she tangled her hands in his hair, all the while his lips never left hers. He picked her up easily and pressed her against a tree. The coldness of winter was nothing, for all she could feel was his warmth as he continued to kiss her. Their bodies seemed connected then, her body moving sweetly in perfect rhythm to his. It was as if they were dancing. She felt his excitement and blushed thinking how it was she who had made that happen. He was trembling; he had loved her for so long, had yearned for this moment but never dared to dream it would come to be. "Are you cold Sev?" She whispered against his lips. "Not anymore."

* * *

The winter days passed gently. Each moment was precious and Severus longed for December to never end. Lily had been right; winter did not represent death. It was an endless stretch of time, a way to steal a piece of eternity. There was so much beauty in the winter, such lovely purity in the white dazzling snow as they walked hand in hand to the now frozen lake, snowflakes in their hair.

"And what about when we would sneak out to the top of your roof and stargaze?"

Lily asked laughing brightly and a smile played its way across Severus' lips. He gazed down at their entwined hands, hers were so delicate, he thought for a moment examining her fingers.

"Can you play piano Lily?" The question had taken her off guard, what an odd thing to ask but she simply shook her head. "Well would you like to learn? You would be brilliant; you have long fingers and a soft touch."

She opened her mouth in surprise "You can play?" He nodded curtly. She smiled a little bewildered. "You've never thought to let me know this little piece of charming information?" Severus shrugged, "Charming?" He didn't look convinced, thinking it wasn't really that big of a deal but the brightness in Lily's eyes sent a flood of joy through him.

"Oh yes Sev, teach me! Where did you learn?"

He looked away, playing up his indifference, "Oh I just taught myself in some abandoned church." He shot her a knowing look. She narrowed her eyes "You mean to tell me you had a secret hiding place –an abandoned church all to yourself and never bothered to show me?" he reached out and tucked a piece of her auburn hair behind her ear. It always seemed to turn the most magnificent shade of fiery red when reflected in the sun.

"I'm sharing it with you now."

And he turned away from her still holding her hand, lead her down a twisted path which loomed near Spinner's End. She felt him tense as they passed the street nearing his house; she squeezed his hand reassuringly, though he stared ahead apathetically. They continued to walk through the increasingly dingy area. After some time they came across a building which appeared to have been in a fire. The cross still stood high upon the church with the black charred wooden frame. It looked rickety and highly dangerous. Lily paused, contemplating. "It's quite safe." He murmured without taking his eyes away from church. Severus lead Lily to the boarded doors and removed one of the bottom boards, kicking some rubbish aside he turned to her with a gleam in his eyes and motioned for her to crawl though. "Ladies first." She looked at him skeptically, he sighed. "Have it your own way then." And he ducked down and disappeared in the darkness of the shadowed church. Lily took a deep breath to regain her courage, Severus wouldn't let anything happen to her, but still she felt uneasy as she followed his lead and picked her way inside the burnt building.

She coughed as dust flew up in her face and found herself temporarily blinded by it. She heard Severus laugh quietly. "Shut up Sev" but she was smiling despite herself. The dust cleared and she saw the inside of the church for the first time. It was breathtaking; stained glass windows though blackened still shone brilliantly within, she looked up at the remarkably high ceiling and a fabulous mural of angles reached out to her, though parts were singed the beauty remained. "Oh Severus, it's…glorious."

He hadn't seemed to hear her for he had left her side and was standing on the pulpit near the piano, his hands caressed it lovingly. But he turned to her and answered, "I know it's not much to look at from the outside but I've always found the interior fascinating, even if it is a bit damaged…" His voice trailed off and there was a strange expression on his face which made Lily wonder if he was speaking more of the church or of himself…

She smiled up at him as she walked over to join him by the piano and spoke softly yet deliberately; "That's what gives it character and in my opinion it is much more intriguing that way, after all who can resist a mystery such as this?" His dark stare was intense as he let her words seep into him and then he sat down on the bench and opened the top of the piano, blowing off some of the dust. Lily sat down beside him. "Funny how the piano remained undamaged for the most part." She mused but he didn't answer her. He brushed his fingers along the keys simply going up then down the scale, checking to see if they would be in working order after all this time. Once satisfied he began to play.

A gentle song trickled from his fingertips in a minor key. His eyes were closed and his hands found the notes to the haunting lullaby he had written so long ago. Lily watched him in awe, never had she seen him so at peace, even though the song held pain it also held hope. The image of Severus playing that tragically beautiful song in the burnt church filled her heart with a bitter sweetness. The abandoned boy playing music in the abandoned church. She wondered how often he had fled to this fortress away from the house that had never been his home. His music flowed through her veins, it awakened something deep within her, something foreign and wonderful, completely unlike anything she'd ever known….and she knew in an instant she would never feel something like this again….not in this way, not a pull so strong and a feeling so beyond any words to explain. She was captivated heart, mind, and soul.

Severus stole a glance at Lily and even as her eyes were closed he noticed the tiny silvery tear falling down her cheek. He wondered if he was selfish for wishing with all his being that this moment would last for eternity. That the world would stop spinning just for them and remain in this picture perfect moment. He did not want the seasons to change but just stay in this most enchanting of winters, his heart ached and he felt aware of being alive. He was no longer numb but had passion stirring within him. He had found a love so fierce yet tender and all consuming. A dangerous love, for although it was his resurrection it could certainly become his undoing. He had found his home at last, and she sat beside him, eyes closed as she fell deeper and deeper into his music.

Slowly the song died away and Lily opened her eyes as tears spilled down her face. Severus placed his hands upon her and wiped the silvery little drops away with his thumbs; he brought his mouth close to hers and whispered against her lips, "I have always loved you." She pressed her lips to his but did not yet kiss him, she spoke against his mouth with her own, "And I love you Severus." He closed his eyes at the sound of his name escaping her lips as if she were revealing a secret. No longer could he restrain himself, he kissed her with everything he had, all that he was and all he hoped to be.

They pulled away and he looked at her for a second longer, then he gestured to the piano with a jerk of his head. "I promised you I would teach you to play, let us begin."

* * *

Christmas morning came at last. Lily snuck ever so silently into the room Severus was sleeping in. She bit her lips to repress a giggle as she peered at the boy sprawled out on the sheets, looking anything but intense and foreboding. She hesitated for a moment and then ran over to the bed where she leapt upon him.

"Sev wake up, it's Christmas and Santa brought you presents!" Severus cried out in shock and jumped up, bumping his head against the headboard of the bed. Lily laughed pitifully.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry!" she was still laughing as she hugged him tightly. It took Severus a moment to realize where he was and what was happening. The instant realization kicked in, he narrowed his eyes at the beaming redhead girl. She giggled at his irritation.

"What the devil were you doing?" Lily just smiled brightly, positively gleaming. "Waking you up so you come downstairs and open all the presents Santa left you."

Severus furrowed his brow. "Presents, surly there's not any…I mean you didn't get me…tell me you're joking." Lily crossed her arms over her chest in that little girlish habit of hers.

"I didn't- Santa-

"Lily give me a break you're 16, stop acting like a child, constantly!"

She huffed, "Well it seems somebody is going to only get coal in their stocking, Maybe it will be as black as your heart!" Severus raised an eyebrow. "Nothing is as black as that."

Lily poked him in the ribs. "Give me a break Severus you're 16, stop acting like an old fart, constantly!" He sneered.

Lily's menacing look fell into a smile once again. "Merry Christmas Sev." Despite his best efforts his lips twitched in a small smile. "Happy Christmas Lily."

She leapt up from the bed. "Hurry up and get your brooding bottom downstairs!" and with that she ran out of the room and skipped down the stairs.

Severus sighed.

Severus emerged to see quite a marvelous sight. Colorfully wrapped presents were scattered about under the tree. He had never seen anything like it before. The Evan's family was all sitting together chatting merrily. Mr. Evans sat in an arm chair with his wife on his lap. Petunia lounged on the couch but her eyes gazed at the presents greedily. Lily was sitting on the floor near the tree, motioning for Severus to join them.

They were all dressed in Christmas colors; all red and green. Severus walked quietly over to Lily, feeling as if he were intruding on something very special. He appeared out of place with his long black hair dangling in his pale face and his entirely black wardrobe complete with a long sleeved shirt which covered his scars. He was the absence of light and laughter.

But as he approached Mrs. Evans smiled warmly at him. "Happy Christmas Severus." He looked down at his bare feet. "Happy Christmas Mrs. Evans" She laughed sweetly. "You know my boy you can call me mum, both the girls' closest friends do." Severus felt his face flush. "Um…thank you Mrs. Ev- er …well I think I will stay with Mrs. Evans if that is alright." Mrs. Evans shot Lily a knowing look then returned her eyes to Severus with a wink. "You are exactly as Lily described. Well if you insist. Would you like some eggnog dear?"

Severus looked blankly to Lily. She stood up and made her way over to him, taking his hand and leading him to sit on the floor with her. "I don't think Sev has ever tried it, would you bring me some too mum?" Mrs. Evans gasped. "Severus dear, you will LOVE eggnog, I'll be right back, don't any of you open your gifts without me!" And she leapt off her husband's lap and disappeared into the kitchen.

"What is eggnog?" Severus whispered. Lily nodded, "I thought so…it's a really yummy drink."

Severus shrugged. "So Severus how are ya this morning?" Severus glanced up at Mr. Evans who had a kind face but something in Severus stirred a bit uneasily…he didn't like fathers. "Quiet well, thank you sir." Mr. Evans smiled politely. Petunia sighed. "Even on Christmas I can't escape freaks."

Severus smirked, there was the old Petunia he knew and loathed so well. "Ah you know how it is Petunia, we freaks like to stick together, power in numbers you know?" Lily nudged Severus, he couldn't help himself. Fighting with Petunia came as naturally as…well kissing Lily.

Petunia opened her mouth to snap something back but Mrs. Evans returned from the kitchen with glasses of eggnog for everyone and with a sharp look from her father she closed it once again.

"Here you are Severus dear." Severus took the glass of thick yellowish drink and thanked her. He glanced at it skeptically. Lily shook her head and took a sip of her own, licking the excess off her lips. Severus brought the glass to his lips and began to sip. It was…delicious! He had never tasted anything so sweet, he didn't even realize he was gulping it down until he felt Lily pat his stomach and say; "Drink it slowly Sev, or you'll get a tummy ache."

Severus nearly spit out the drink. His face flushed for the second time that morning. The whole family laughed. Severus coughed and sniffed, fighting to keep eggnog from shooting out of nose. Very undignified.

When he had composed himself he placed his glass down on the coffee table and locked his eyes on the floor. "Oh Sev, you're so silly." Lily muttered, hugging her arms around his waist. He squirmed uncomfortably; affection in private was one thing but to be on display for a family of muggles was another entirely.

"Alright you two little love birds, let's get to opening presents, it looks like Santa left quite the bundle this year!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed excitedly, she was so much like Lily. "About time." Petunia muttered.

As the opening of gifts began Severus relaxed into the inviting atmosphere of the Evans' Family. Even Petunia lightened up as she unwrapped a new pair of impressive looking shoes.

Everyone seemed so happy and accepting of Severus. He felt himself smile a few times, even laugh quietly at their jokes now and then. He wondered if this is what having a family was supposed to feel like. And for the first time he considered how nice it would be to live like this. So simply and with a family of his own. He disregarded the thought quickly, but still the warm sensation remained.

Lily handed Severus a brightly wrapped gift. "This one's from mum." Severus glanced over at Mrs. Evans, feeling dread build up inside of him. He didn't have anything to give her. He hadn't even thought about it, he had never really celebrated Christmas before. Mrs. Evans must have noticed his panicked expression for she shook her head gently and said, "Don't worry about it Severus, Christmas is for you kids, now open it." Kids? …they were practically adults! He shot Lily a look as if to check that it was ok to go ahead and open it. She just laughed. He neatly untied the bow and then carefully undid the tape around the colorful paper succeeding to not tare it in the least.

"What- a -freak." Petunia stated but even he could hear the amused tone in her voice. Severus opened the box to find a deep red scarf made of silk. He let his fingers stroke its softness; he could tell it was high quality. Severus looked up at Mrs. Evans, "I think you gave me the wrong gift, this must be Mr. Evans'." Mrs. Evans smiled at Severus. "No, that is for you. I'm afraid it won't keep you very warm but it will look positively striking on you with that dark hair of yours."

Severus' mouth hung open. Striking? Impossible, he was anything but. Lily reached down and picked up the scarf, she brought her hands up and wrapped it around his neck. It was smooth and cool against his skin. Both women were beaming. Mrs. Evans brought her hand to her chest. "My Lily, you have yourself quite a handsome young man."

Severus furrowed his brow. He very much doubted that. But he muttered, "Thank you Mrs. Evans, this is beautiful." She nodded in agreement. Lily looked over at Petunia who was gaping at him. "What do you think Tuney?" She rolled her eyes and mumbled, "It's as good as he'll ever look, I guess."

Severus raised an eyebrow. Lily leaned in and whispered, "Open mine now." She handed him an oddly wrapped box, it was evident she had done this one by hand late at night in the dark. She hadn't wanted him to find it early. The paper was silver and the bow green. He smirked. Lily smiled coly, "What?" "Nothing." He murmured. He took the gift and unwrapped it as carefully as he had the other. Lily couldn't understand it, ever since she had been a child she had always tore through the wrapping paper and left a mess in her wake.

Within the box lay a collage of photos neatly placed in a black frame. He took it out and gazed at the pictures. They were from when they were children. She had always run around with her father's old muggle camera, taking shots of them whenever she could. He never thought she'd actually keep all the photos. There was one of them both smiling up at the camera, one of their little hands entwined, one of himself glaring at the camera and scowling in his most ferocious 9 year old way, clearly he had not been in a good mood that day. There was one of Lily gazing sweetly into the camera, her eyes glittering with happiness as she held up her long-awaited Hogwarts acceptance letter. And the last one was a picture of a drawling she had made of two stick people holding hands, one with long red hair and a big smile and the other with black hair hanging in its face, with angry little eyebrows and a straight line for the mouth.

Severus laughed wholeheartedly, which was rare. Lily covered her face with her hands. "I know it's so embarrassing! I made that when we like 9 and I never showed you!" Mrs. Evans cut in, "She had it hanging on the fridge for years, wouldn't let anyone touch it!"

Severus looked at the angry little eyebrows once again and smirked. "Well you've certainly captured the likeliness". Lily moaned and buried her head in his shoulder. Her voice was muffled as she spoke, "I was only a kid, give me a break."

Severus grinned. "I'm being serious; here I have something for you." Lily lifted her head curiously. "I'll be just a moment." And he made his way back upstairs and dug through his bag until he found it. He returned with his hands behind his back. Lily sat cross-legged and looked up at him expectantly.

"Now I didn't wrap it so you'll have to forgive me that." Lily smiled but said nothing, waiting for him to sit back down with her. He did so, his hands still behind his back. "Close your eyes and hold out your hands." She did so. He placed something hard in her hands, a book. She opened her eyes and gazed down at the old black leather bound book in her hands.

"It's actually a journal; it only looks like a book. I used to read a lot of muggle literature and I wrote down quotes that I found interesting or excerpts from various poems. I have no need of it anymore and thought you may like to read through it… if you find an evening dull enough and wish to spend long hours of the night deciphering my handwriting." He finished slyly.

Lily flipped through the journal; every page was filled with his small cramped handwriting. Some pages included sketches of images relating to the poem or quote. Lily met his gaze, her eyes wide.

"Severus, this is the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me, thank you."

Severus shrugged. "As I've said, I have no use for it anymore." He spoke plainly, honestly. He had Lily, what other escape did he need?

"How pathetic." Petunia scoffed, Severus shot her a look of death.

"Petunia that is a horrible thing to say! Severus dear that is a very unique gift, very romantic indeed." Severus was suddenly uncomfortable again. "…um it's just a bunch of words, it's not a love letter or anything, it's not like I even made it for her. I wrote it just for something to do but I figured Lily would like it. She has a love of muggle literature."

"Just like her mother." Mr. Evans remarked and Mrs. Evans laughed. Petunia gathered up her gifts. "I'm gonna head out, you guys make me sick." And she left. "Merry Christmas Tuney!" Lily called after her. Lily turned back to Severus. "Let's go outside, we'll go down to the lake."

Severus nodded and stood up, taking her hand. After grabbing their coats they bid Lily's parents goodbye and walked out of the door into the cold Christmas day.


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of the winter break passed all too soon and before Lily had caught her breath and Severus had become accustom to spending every waking moment with her they were standing side by side ready to enter the Great Hall for the welcoming back feast.

He looked to her from the corner of his eye, "Shall I take your hand and lead you across the sea of stares, or would you prefer to keep me as you deepest dark secret?" There was a hint of irony in his voice yet it had been an honest question. Lily turned to face him; his midnight eyes locked with her bright ones. She hadn't thought for a moment of what it would be like when they returned to school, it seemed too trivial a thought after sharing such an overwhelming connection. Now however, she let her mind wander... naturally people would talk; Gryffindors and Slytherins did not fall for one another, and she was a muggle born, but Sev had always said this didn't make a difference. Lily knew her friends would never understand and she doubted that his would be any better. Still she had never cared how the world perceived her. "What would you prefer?" she asked instead.

Before he could answer a band of Slytherins walked passed, all greeting Severus and pretending Lily was no better than a ghost. Lily scoffed, "Of course you should probably bear in mind that you would be going out with a muggle born." She said rather harshly. Severus laughed quietly, "Do you think I give a damn about your blood status Evans?" He always used her last name when he was trying to make a point. "Well your little goons seem to." He cocked an eyebrow and as if on cue a group of Gryffindors strode by, led by Potter's gang and a few of Lily's close girlfriends who greeted Lily enthusiastically then shot Severus a nasty look. He gazed ahead indifferently.

Potter leaned into Lily; Severus became ridged waiting for Potter to cross the line, to give him an excuse to curse him. "Hey Evans, (Severus sneered) how was your Christmas break?" Potter continued, ignoring the sneer and gave Lily a goofy smile. She smiled back, "It was fantastic, I spent most of it with Severus." Potter was dumbstruck for a moment then weakly muttered, "Oh really?" Severus smirked. Potter turned his attention towards him, "And how are ya Snivillus?" he asked patting Severus roughly on the shoulder, Severus moved in an instant, shrugging Potter off of him. "Keep your filthy hands off of me." He growled. Potter shot Lily an amused look then falsely lowered his voice to a stage whisper, appearing to speak to Lily alone "Psst, does your pet bite?" Severus whipped his wand out and pointed it to Potter who put his hands up in mock surrender. "C'mon Snivilly, I'm only joking, no hard feelings?" and he put his hand out to Severus as if to shake. Severus narrowed his eyes, and opened his mouth to speak, but Lily cut him off. "Please just stop, both of you." Severus dropped his wand and returned it within his robes, "I'll hex you some other time." he threatened darkly, it was a promise. Lily sighed, exasperated. Potter laughed and turned to his gang, "Let's get going, there's a feast to be had!" and he led the Gryffindors away, stopping once and glanced back at Lily, "And Evans, feel free to join us, if you start to lose your appetite being too near Snivillus." "Just go Potter, you arrogant toerag!" She called after him feistily.

Severus grit his teeth, "And your friends are so much more mature than mine, so very above the rest of us." Lily glared at him, "Shut it, you were hardly any better than he was." Severus gave her a look of shock, "You're humoring me right?" Lily tossed her red curls over her shoulder suddenly heated. "If you think so maybe I should just go and sit with them!" His eyes darkened ever more so, "What is this? Potter comes along and you become all flushed and defend him?" Lily gaped at him. "I just yelled across the entire Great Hall that he was an arrogant toerag, and you are accusing me of becoming flushed!" Her bright green eyes were slits. Severus backed down. "Alright, you have a point, come sit with me and have something to eat." She crossed her arms, "Potter was right, I have lost my appetite." Severus' lip curled and he leaned into her so only she could hear, he spoke slowly and dangerously, "Then go ahead and join him!" And with that he spun around on his heel and stalked off furiously towards the Slytherin table on the other side of the Great Hall. Lily stood still in shock from the sudden change in events; she felt her eyes begin to water but swallowed back the tears. She didn't know what to feel, one day he was confessing his love for her and they were kissing by the lake, and the next he had stormed away from her, leaving her alone in the middle of the entire school. She couldn't go join her fellow Gryffindors after the scene she had caused and she refused to go to Severus at the Slytherin table where he may very well ignore her. So she held her head high and walked out of the Great Hall to the Gryffindor common room and finally to her dorm and went to bed, without dinner.

* * *

The next day Lily made her way to potions alone, taking a new but rather longer route to class so as to not run into Severus. To her annoyance he stood outside of the classroom, leaning against the dungeon wall with his nose buried in his copy of "Advanced Potion Making" obviously waiting for her. She took a sharp breath and attempted to sneak past him unnoticed, praying he truly had distracted himself with his studies, it wouldn't have been unusual, but of course as she tried to pass him she heard him mutter, "Hey Lily." She didn't respond as he held open the door for her and she walked grudgingly to her place which was the spot next to his.

Severus approached her calmly. "About last night"- she cut him off, "I have work to do Severus." And she busied herself with the assignment on the board. She began stabbing her beans rather that slicing them. Severus gently placed his hand over the one of hers which held the knife and easily made a perfect slice. "I didn't ask for your help!" she spat, pulling her hand away. He snorted, "No but had you placed those mutilated beans in your potion you would have surly cause a high flame which would have burned off your red curls. You see stabbing the beans in such a brutal manner releases too much-" she cut him off once more, "You know everything, I get it, thanks." He stared at her face in that deeply irksome scrutinizing way of his. Then he returned to his potion, swiftly creating a flawless elixir.

Finally he sighed, "Don't be upset with me anymore." It was more of a command than even one of his twisted forms of apology. Lily bit her lip to stop herself from lashing out at him. Severus seemed to notice this for his tone softened and he added, "Please." She looked at him incredibly, he never said please, thought of it as a form of begging and he was not one to beg or even ask most of the time. She looked over at his face but his eyes were downcast. She could tell he was miserable. She was after all the only thing he had, he had told her so. She brushed her fingers against his back momentarily. He looked up at her "I just really hate Potter." he muttered. She smiled, failing to hide it, "Yes I know Sev." He shook his head, "That's the thing, you don't. I feel like…well when he's around you…" his voice trailed off as his mind clouded with angry thoughts. "I'm yours." Lily whispered. Severus moved in as if to kiss her but caught himself as Professor Slughorn cleared his throat. There was snickering though out the class. Lily reached out and squeezed his hand. "Later." She mouthed.

That night Severus walked into the Slytherin common room with an air of confidence about him, a different kind than that of when he just created a complex spell or had skillfully completed a challenging assignment. Lucius Malfoy, Avery and Mulciber were gathered around an old battered book, no doubt a banned spell book of dark magic. "Severus, come take a look at what Avery here has stumbled across!" Lucius called approvingly, he was older than the rest of them, his prefect badge gleamed in the eerie green glow of the dungeons. Intrigued Severus joined them.

"It says here that one drop of Vampire blood, taken forcibly from an ancient will temporarily give you the vampire's powers making you invincible to your opponents!" But Severus had his attention drawn to the title of the following page as he read aloud over Avery's shoulder, "Mastery of the unforgivable curses; one must strictly mean it before attempting to cast such powerful magic (He sneered) obviously." The Slytherin boys laughed. Avery leapt up. "Why don't we go try some of these spells out?" The other boys nodded in agreement, except for Severus who seemed to be lost in his thoughts for a moment. "What's the matter Severus, that Mudblood girl have you tied around her finger?" Severus glared at Lucius, "Her name is Lily and I was simply thinking of where the best possible place to practice would be…perhaps the forbidden forest? That way no one will come to spy on us." There was a look of fear on the boys' faces. Severus smiled cheekily, "Naturally if you are too –ah unwilling shall we say? Then we may abandon the thought all together." The Slytherins snickered. "Let's do it." Avery said and Mulciber nodded in agreement once more. Lucius however shrugged, "As much as I would love to I cannot this time, prefect duties… but I won't stop any of you. I fully understand the lure of dark magic." Avery patted Severus on the shoulder, "Good idea mate." And they snuck off to the forest, Severus trailing a bit further behind, although he was deeply fascinated by the book and longed to uncover its mysteries his thoughts returned to Lily. He was sure that his suggestion pertaining to the forbidden forest would have been the close of the discussion; he wouldn't have guessed that they would go along with it. Lily was completely opposed to dark magic but Severus had always loved to experiment, he had always embraced what others feared. Besides it wasn't truly harmful if one was careful and did not abuse the knowledge of such forbidden magic. If anything wasn't it better to be fully aware of all forces both dark and light? And learn how to control them?

The three Slytherins gathered around the old spell book as they sat down upon an old fallen tree trunk and began to read aloud. "To understand dark magic you must be willing and able to open your mind. One's thoughts cannot be clouded by any doubt regarding the magic about to be used."

Just then they heard a crack! As if someone had stepped on a nearby twig. "Whose there?" Avery called; his voice was deep and terrifying. Severus stood up and walked towards the place the sound had come from. His eyes scanned the surrounding area and he inhaled deeply to see if he could catch anyone's scent. After a few minutes he returned to his friends. "It wasn't anything."

As Mulciber resumed reading once more and turned the page to the first spell, Severus took his wand out and pulled up his sleeves out of habit. Avery let out a low whistle, cutting Mulciber off. "Severus, what were you up to over winter break? I mean I'm all for experimenting but perhaps you and the mud- (he looked away from the glare Severus shot him) -Lily went a tad too far?" he laughed.

Severus glanced down at his arms which were covered in thin little lines. He rolled his sleeves back down. "Try not to be such an idiot Avery…these are scars from my latest and final family reunion." He smiled bitterly. Avery looked repulsed. "That's downright wrong, well maybe there's something in this book you can use as a little gift for 'em." Severus thought for a moment then muttered, "perhaps…."

Lily walked briskly towards the willow tree, her shockingly red hair bounced with every step. She had managed to shrug off her friends along with their nosy questions and come to the willow tree in which Sev sat beneath, leaning against the trunk. She smiled to herself, he looked quite interesting with his dark eyes fixed upon the book in his hands, his quill in the other, scribbling notes then crossing them out furiously and writing once more. As she approached he didn't look up but she noticed the small smile playing its way across his thin lips and his body relaxed. So he knew she was there. "Hey Sev." He peered up at her at last through his black curtains of hair, which had that soft look about it, the kind it gained whenever he decided to wash it properly. She giggled. "What?" he asked defensively. "Your hair, it looks so shinny today!" she exclaimed adoringly. Severus narrowed his eyes. "It always looks like this, a lost cause." She sat down beside him and ran her fingers through it, working some of the tangles out. He swore. "Oh don't be such a baby." She murmured. Severus jerked his head away from her, "Would you kindly stop trying to groom me like some damn cur?" Lily sighed. "I wasn't 'grooming' you, you insufferable boy. I was simply trying to help you make your hair as soft as it would like to be." "Since when is my hair such a priority to you?" he asked, the corners of his mouth twitched in an attempt to hide a smile. She shook her head, "Never mind." He closed his book with a snap and set it aside.

Severus leaned into her, breathing in her wild flower scent. It seemed to awaken his senses and stir his deep desires within. He was staring at her so intently she blushed, but didn't dare break his gaze. His midnight hair fell over his endlessly dark eyes as he moved closer to her. Lily felt a quiver of excitement pass through her and her mind wandered back to that day they had all but made love in the meadow. With a start she came to her senses as his lips crashed against hers, stealing the breath out of her lungs. He seemed to drink her in as if she was his very life source. She wrapped her arms around his waist and as they tore themselves away from each other she buried her head in his chest unable to do anything else but collapse against him. Severus stroked her hair tenderly, holding her to him with his free arm. How could someone have such power over her, how could anyone master her mind, read her soul and capture her heart with such intensity while balancing it with sweetness? How could it be Snape after all these years of being best friends, who haunted her dreams and caused her to lose herself again and again…or perhaps it was more like finding herself…

He placed his lips on her neck and growled, pushing her against the tree. She let out a small yelp as he bit her then she began giggling delightedly. He pulled away, a mischievous grin on his face.

She looked up at him once more and traced his lips with her finger tips; she slid her hand down his neck, over his chest and across his stomach. She couldn't get enough of him, she longed to touch every part of him and he sensed it, for he moaned softly in her ear. She clenched her hands in his hair, pulling his head back slightly. "Lily stop." His horse voice choked out in a strangled plea. She let her hands drop; placing them in her lap and looked away blushing yet again. He shut his eyes tightly for a moment. "Sorry did I hurt you?" her voice was small. He opened his eyes and stared at her incredibly, "Not exactly" he mused. She looked away, he shook his head.

"Come here." Severus murmured, pulling his Lily to him delicately. She rested her head upon his shoulder. They stayed like that for a long while just enjoying the closeness of being together.

"Sev I want you to know, I will never forget these moments. The images of you and I are etched in my mind…" her voice trailed off dreamily. He kissed the top of her red head. "And why should you forget them? We have the rest of our lives for this." She sighed, "Yeah, we do."

Just then Potter came strutting up to them. Severus tightened his grip around Lily's waist as she moved as if to jump up, startled that someone had found their secret spot. James smiled dazzlingly. "Hey Evans, I've been looking all over for you." He glanced questionably at Severus' arm around Lily's waist but said nothing; shaking his head he returned all his attention to her.

"Hi James…" she muttered uncomfortably, Severus was tightening his hold on her. James nodded suddenly serious. "I need to talk to you, could you spare a sec?" Lily looked at Snape who scowled most frighteningly. "Um…I don't think that would be such a great idea…"At this James snorted, "What has Snivillus cast some evil spell on you binding you to him?" Severus clasped his wand in his hand, ready if Potter tried anything. Lily crossed her arms, looking much like she did when she was nine; Severus thought to himself. She was trying to be intimidating. "What are you getting at Potter?" James smirked; "Why don't you ask Snivillus what he was doing last night in the forbidden forest with the rest of his creepy slytherin cult. It has something to do with dark magic and a banned spell book I believe." Lily looked horrified to Severus who had stood up now, his wand pointed at Potter's throat. "Who told you?" he snarled. Lily gasped "Sev what do you mean, what is he talking about?" but it was too late, she knew. Severus let his wand fall limply to his side and James laughed. "Oh I have my ways Snape, and I'm only getting started." James winked at Lily. Severus growled "It's that cloak of yours isn't it? The one that makes you invisible?" James looked truly taken aback, "A cloak that makes one invisible, do such things exist? Maybe you should get your head check out Snivillus." But Severus saw straight through him. Of course Potter had hidden in the cloak and spied on him. And with that Potter waved to Lily, "See you around Evans" and he merrily walked off back towards the castle.

"Sev, you didn't." He shrugged. "Severus Snape tell me you weren't messing around with dark magic, again." He looked her in the eyes and spoke in a cold flat voice; "I wasn't messing around with dark magic." She shoved him with all her might, but she didn't manage to move him an inch, "You're lying!" She screamed. He narrowed his eyes and spoke in a quiet threatening tone; "No I am not. I have never 'messed around' with anything. I have only ever sought to further educate myself with all that is out there. I will not be kept in the dark, afraid of the unknown… like some weak minded people who do not have the capacity to fully understand magic in its core is not good nor evil but a substance in between to be respected all together". Lily grit her teeth, "If you mean me"- Severus cut her off, his mood had completely changed and he looked to her in horror, "No, not you, you're not weak minded, I didn't mean that Lily." Her eyebrows were raised. "Oh, but its true isn't it? I loathe everything that has to do with dark magic"- "You don't understand." He muttered. "What is it that I don't understand Severus? Dark magic is evil magic, it is harmful!" "Only if you don't know what you're doing!" he yelled back at her. Lily shook her head, red curls tossing about her slim shoulders. "Why can't you see it Sev, you're going to hurt someone." Her voice was softer now but the disappointment leaked through. Severus looked away from her impatiently. "I haven't hurt anyone." "…yet." Lily finished for him.

They stared at each other; frustrated dark eyes looked into bright innocent green ones. Then tears began to fall from the green ones. "Lily please don't"- She backed away from him as he reached out to wipe them away. "I'm sorry Sev, I can't do this…I can't…I can't be in lo- involved with someone who practices dark magic. It has been hard enough making up excuses for you when you were just my friend but now…you have me Sev, or at least you had me." He didn't say anything for a long time. She couldn't bear to look at him, to witness in his eyes the breaking of his heart; she knew she wouldn't survive it. "Lily…" He spoke her name as if he were afraid and for a moment she could see the little boy who had sounded exactly like that when he'd run away from home as his parents yelled and the smashing of objects could be heard from where she had stood below, coming to call him to play but stopping at such horrific sounds of fighting. He had said her name like it held all his hopes and all of his dreams; he had said her name as if it were the last time.

Lily dared to look at him at last but when she did she found his face blank. He looked as if he was wearing a death mask. There was no hint of life within his face, no light in his eyes. Nothing about him betrayed any hint of feeling. He looked dead. The image shook her. And she knew it would haunt her.

He watched her turn away, she began running then she fell. He stayed where he was as she picked herself up and ran off again, never looking back at him. He had lost her. He had lost everything.


	4. Chapter 4

The days passed into weeks and weeks dragged onto months. Eventually winter came to an end and spring brought new life into the world. Severus stayed to himself for the most part, he had his few friends and they would tamper with dark magic ritually. Lily had long ceased searching for Severus in the Great Hall, or trying to catch his eye in potions, as he had moved to a far table alone. He seemed to vanish precisely when he wanted to. She surrounded herself with her friends and they were always laughing in the halls, smiling as if the world was perfect, though there were a few moments, in the beginning when she forgot to smile, when she caught herself remembering some short lived romance that had been so real back then but now seemed to have merely been a dream. And sometimes, late at night she wondered if it had ever happened at all… though the pain told her it had. Her eyes dried as Severus never came to her again, never spoke to her. She had thought with all her heart that he would simply give up his infatuation with dark magic if only he had something real to believe in, at least one person who loved him, but she had been wrong. And with time her heart mended itself.

"Severus, for the sake of the dark lord stop your sulking!" Avery punched him playfully in the arm. Severus raised an eyebrow, "You truly are pathetic Avery." The tall broad boy smirked, "Yeah well I know something that'll cheer you up." Severus sighed, "Spare me." But Avery had a mischievous gleam in his eye. "Party at Malfoy Manor next weekend. We've got permission to leave school for 'official ministry-training business, or some shit like that, thanks to Lucius' dad, it's useful having ties to someone with power around huh? Any way we're all gonna be leaving Friday night and staying over there, listen there's gonna be hundreds of people coming from different schools and even different places of the world!" he lowered his voice and leaned into Severus' ear "It's really a gathering for current and potential death eaters but don't breath a word of it." Severus regarded the idea thoughtfully; the corners of his mouth twisted up in what may have been the hint of a smile. "And what of the Dark Lord, will he be joining this so-called party?" Avery shrugged, "Most likely, but who knows I mean he's kind of a busy guy." Severus nodded, "I think I shall join." Whether he was referring to the death-eaters or the party in general he didn't elaborate. Either way it was good enough for Avery and with a quick smile he left Severus alone –which was what Severus preferred.

_Potter laughed as he hoisted Severus in the air by his ankle causing his robes to fall revealing his underpants._

_"Leave him alone!" Lily fumed._

_"You're lucky Evans was here to help you." James taunted._

_"I don't need help from a filthy little mud-blood like her!" Severus spat._

_"Fine. I'll never bother again, Snivillus."_

_Later that night Severus stood outside the Gryffindor common room._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"I'm not interested."_

_"I'm sorry!"_

_"Save your breath."_

Severus sighed, "After everything we've been through can't you just"- (she cut him off)

"Don't you dare talk about anything pertaining to the past!" He sighed, "Why not, it happened, or have you forgotten?

"Stop! For merlin's sake shut up! How dare you come here after all this time, who do you think you are? Besides I only came out because Mary said you were threatening to sleep out here."

"I was, I would have…"

"What do you want Snape?"

"I didn't mean to call you that." He wanted to tell her he still loved her he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she understood.

"But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood-" "please stop saying that word." "why should I, you said it Severus."

He ran his hands through his hair agitatedly, unable to think of what to say.

"I'm going away to Malfoy Manor this weekend." He confessed, knowing clearly she would understand what that entailed. 'Please Lily, give me a reason to stay' ….his face betrayed his thoughts as it contorted in pain.

There was a strange look about her, and something flashed in her eyes momentarily but then it vanished, and her green eyes returned to their cold accusing stare.

"You and your little death eater friends-see you don't even deny it. I bet you can't wait to join You-Know-Who can you?"

He opened his mouth but closed it before speaking.

"I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"You can't mean that." He said fiercely.

She tossed her radiant curls, "Oh but I do." With a contemptuous look she turned away from him but before she climbed back into the portrait hole she stopped. Without turning around to look at him she said coolly, "And I'm going to go out with James Potter, thought you should hear it from me first." With that she disappeared.

* * *

Once again the seasons seemed to change without Severus noticing. Spring faded to summer, summer to fall and winter came and passed. And then one day his days at Hogwarts came to an end. Severus sat in a lone chair in an old room in an empty house. His mother had finally left his father the previous year and had decided to go somewhere far away, severing all ties to her family. As for Tobias, no one ever knew what became of him. It seemed one dreary night he just vanished, almost like magic.

"I am not a good man." Severus muttered darkly, tenderly brushing his fingers across his left forearm where the skin was raw from the newly branded Dark Mark. He spent his days reading, preparing potions and experimenting with new and dangerous spells. He spent his nights drinking fire whiskey with his fellow death eaters or spent them with various women when the fancy struck him. He was fading away, loosing himself, and he was just fine with that.

He watched as a house burned before him, eventually crumpling down to a heap. Screams sounded from within as it collapsed. Those who defied the dark lord would be tortured, would be murdered. He didn't participate, but he watched the horror unfold before him.

That morning Severus walked down to the park he'd often played in as a child with Lily. He wasn't sure why he was there, but he had to get away from his house. Locking himself away was taking its toll on him. Severus sat on the ground, overlooking the little lake. Although it was summer he wore a long sleeve black shirt, and he found himself tracing his fingers gently along the mark once again, his skin still raw beneath it.

"Sev?" His blood ran cold at the sound of her voice. Slowly he turned his head to find Lily standing before him, long red hair shinning brilliantly in the sun, her green eyes bright and curious. Severus' dark eyes narrowed, "Don't call me that" he growled. The girl's face seemed a little bewildered but she regained composure after a moment, flushing gently she spoke again, "Sorry, um well how are you?" Severus snorted and turned away from her, staring out bitterly at the lake.

Lily sat down beside him; he flinched but kept his eyes on the lake. Lily twisted a red curl around her finger, "What are you doing here?" "sitting." He stated coolly. She nodded, a little irately but took a deep breath then looked out at the lake as well, "its like when we were children isn't it?" Severus stood up and made to leave.

"Severus wait!" he spun around to face her, a look of pure loathing in his eyes, "What do you want from me? I owe you nothing". (she tried to speak but he cut her off) "Don't, we are dead to each other, or did you forget?" Lily a little taken aback, stood up and timidly walked over to him, "Severus, I-I'm sorry, please don't hate me. I want to-I think we could be friends again." His eyes flashed dangerously and his voice came out cold and threatening, "But I do hate you Lily Evans, I despise everything about you." Her eyes flickered to his left forearm, no doubt wondering if the rumors were true. She straightened, "I said I was sorry"- he cut her off. "Sorry? Sorry! You threw away almost a decade of friendship over a word, so now I shall use it freely, mud-blood. Lily Evans was never anything but a pathetic mud-blood." He taunted, he felt a stinging on his face. It took a moment for him to realize she had slapped him.

"I don't know why I ever bother with you!" But she still didn't leave, there were tears of frustration and she wiped at them furiously, causing more angry tears to fall. "I was wrong to do what I did, but you ignored me. You wouldn't talk to me, you wouldn't look at me, what was I to do Severus?"

"Apparently go out with Potter." She quieted. "Alright I admit it, I went out with James for the wrong reasons but he's more mature now and-

"Well I'm so very happy for you." The sarcasm seemed to drip off his tongue like venom. "Severus you erased me from your life."

He faced her now, slowly approaching her, and leaned into her. "No I didn't. Not for a moment. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't watch you, not a night in which I could escape the dreams of you. You ended everything before we even had a chance to begin, but still, still I forgave you. I wanted to be close to you again, but the closer I came to you the more I begin to feel as if my insides were tearing themselves apart. Only none of that mattered to me because being your friend would have been better than being nothing. Then Potter and his gang humiliated me, and you laughed. I saw you don't deny it! (he raised his voice at her attempt to interject) so I called you a name. I even apologized to you. I tried for so long to get you to forgive me, but by that time you decided you didn't want anything to do with me. You wrote me out of your life so easily and now I have done the same."

Lily reached out her hand to grab his but at the look he gave her she let it drop back to her side. "Severus I didn't-it wasn't like- I want to be friends again."

"Ah yes Lily Evans wants something so the world must bow to her every whim. She may walk all over everyone and anyone and we must be honored to be the muck on her shoes." And with that he spun around on his heel, and skulked away.

Lily sank down into the grass. Whenever she was around Severus he seemed to knock the air right out of her. He made her thoughts cloudy, made her unsure of everything, even herself. She thought about the rumors she had heard, about him becoming a death eater. It seemed very likely that they were true, but it couldn't be. For that would mean the little boy she played with as a child, the older boy she had so loved once upon a winter was dead…no it could not be, and if-if it was she would find a way to save the dear friend she had forsaken.


	5. Chapter 5

Severus lay in his bed. Why had he said so much to Lily? Why had he voiced his pain, given her that satisfaction, given her that leg up on him. He could never think right when he was around that damn red head. He turned in his bed, laying on his stomach, his face pressed into his pillow. He was such a fool. But at least he had stood his ground, for, though he'd never admit it, a part of him had longed to stay in the playground with her. To go back to the days before Hogwarts when it was only he and she. Back when they were so innocent, back before they were separated forever by houses then friends and lastly beliefs. It disgusted him.

Severus woke up the next day by the sound of knocking from downstairs. He grumbled and decided to ignore it. Only the knocking persisted. To his great irritation he rose out of bed, took a quick trip to the bathroom to wash up, and made his way downstairs to the door at last. He opened it to find Lily standing there, a basket in her hands.

"Good morning Severus, I was baking this morning and realized I made far too many muffins and well I remembered how much you used to love my muffins so I thought I'd come by and bring you these for breakfast!"

Severus stood still in shock until his previous irritation kicked in. "Didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you again? That you were, if I'm not mistaken, dead to me?" Lily glared. "I want to make things right ok? Work with me."

He looked at her for a long moment. "No." and he moved to slam the door in her face, but she placed her foot in the way at the last moment and let out a yelp. Instantly he released the door. "Are you alright?" She nodded quickly, "Yeah I think so." He cursed himself for asking, for showing any hint that he cared and she noticed for she smiled softly.

"Why don't you take the muffins, you must be hungry." "I'm not." He lied as his stomach grumbled in protest. Lily smirked. Severus glared darkly at her.

"Look Severus, I just want to make things right, but I need your help. You could begin by inviting me in." she added helpfully. He gazed at her with the same intensity he'd had since he was a child. Without a word he walked away from her and disappeared inside the dark house. Lily looked after him anxiously for a moment then decided that is was a form of invitation for her to enter his house.

Severus was seated on the couch; he had grabbed a book and seemed completely taken by it, indifferent to the presence of Lily. She walked over to the kitchen and called out to him, "would you mind if I poured us something to drink to go along with the muffins?" Severus ignored her. Lily sighed and made her way to the couch without grabbing any drinks. She placed the basket of muffins on the coffee table in front of them. As she sat down beside him, Severus edged as far away from her as was possible in the small space of the couch.

"Sev-" he snapped his head up from his book and shot her a cold look. She cleared her throat and started again, "Um-right sorry, Severus, -I want you to know, I truly am sorry. For everything." He raised an eyebrow but remained as if a silencing charm had been cast upon him. She nodded and continued, "Alright this is going to be harder than I expected but that's just fine. I'm sorry for ending things with you so soon and then the way I"- he snarled.

"As if I give a damn about what you have to say, you should just leave. Now." Lily took a breath, trying not to lose her temper. "I wanted to come by and make peace with you, that's all." Severus growled, "Well it would seem that your attempt is rather futile. The door is that way." And he jerked his head towards the entrance she had come from then returned to his book. Lily threw up her hands in frustration.

"Severus damn it, look at me!" He was mildly started by her sudden change in tactics to gain his attention. Lily Evans cursed? Never. She smiled for a moment then it faded as she spoke again, this time her voice was so soft, it wavered with emotion. "The truth is…well…I've missed you Severus." He looked at her incredibly.

"I have! When we stopped talking it was like I lost a piece of myself. And-and I know-I mean I think you feel the same way because I could see it in your eyes yesterday at the park." He broke their gaze and stared off behind her. She went on, "I saw it, you can try and make yourself seem hard to the world, you can build your walls around yourself but I know you Sev, I can see straight through you, I always could."

His brow was furrowed. "And what did you expect from me, coming here to my house? That all would be forgiven? That by, making muffins you could right all of your wrongs as if it was as simple as a flick of your wand?"

Lily opened her mouth to speak but he never gave her the chance. "No Lily, the world doesn't work that way. You wasted your time coming here, please go away… I'm sure your boyfriend is waiting for you." He added with a scowl. Lily shook her head. "I loved you Severus, more than anything. But you chose dark magic instead of me; you chose your anger and your pain over your love."

Severus' expression changed. His deep eyes softened with pain, the harsh lines of loathing faded. He drew in a shaky breath, after so long of working to make himself numb, after trying so hard to never think of her again, and after so much effort to feel nothing for her but hate, it all broke away. He wanted her. He longed to reach out to her, to kiss away the pain he had put her through. His dead heart began to beat once more.

"Lily I- I'm sorry." She smiled sadly, tears coming to her eyes. "So we forgive each other everything then… You know I wanted to be with you Severus; I wanted to be with you forever. I used to dream of all those silly things little girls wish for, of marrying you of having your children. I'd never known such feelings… Of course that was a long time ago."

But Severus didn't hear her; he leaned into her and kissed her. He kissed her as he always had, as if his life depended on it. He let his mind wander back to their past. His childhood was with her, his teenage years, and maybe his future could be with her as well…

She pulled away suddenly. He could taste her salty tears on his lips. He looked at her curiously. She seemed to be choking on her sobs. "Severus I didn't know you still…in that way. I-I'm…I'm- she couldn't bring herself to finish her sentence she simply raised her hand limply. There the light caught on her finger and something shinned. He noticed the ring for the first time, not having taken a true look at her before.

Severus paled. "Get out." He whispered. Lily touched his hand, "Severus I- "GET OUT!" he shrieked, he leapt to his feet and pointed a shaky finger towards the door. Lily jumped up as well at harshness of his voice, "Sev wait I-" His eyes darkened and he reached over and pulled his sleeve up, exposing the dark mark. She gasped.

Suddenly he stopped shaking. A wicked gleam shone in his midnight eyes, a sort of madness. He began to circle around her as if she were now his prey. "Or you could stay and I could offer you up as a sacrifice to the Dark Lord!" She backed away from him but Severus was now enclosing in on her. "You wouldn't hurt me Severus." She said calmly. He tilted his head to one side. "Oh but wouldn't I?" He grinned maliciously. He brought his lips to her ear and purred, "Run away little girl, run away before the monsters catch you!" There was a hint of sadness in Lily's bright green eyes as she studied the dark ones of Severus. "What have you done?" She asked quietly, letting her eyes fall upon his dark mark. He laughed in the same malevolent manner as his father, and Lily could see the birth of cruelty in Severus' heart.

She turned from him and walked away slowly. She hated seeing him that way, hated seeing the look in his eyes when he caught sight of her ring. How was she to know he still felt that way about her? Though the more she thought about it the more she realized what a fool she'd been to let herself believe otherwise. Lily herself had never stopped loving Severus, but she had closed herself off to him. Made herself forget what it had felt like to be completely consumed by love, to have that undying eternal feeling…James was nice. He was sweet, kind, caring. He could provide, he wanted to go steady with her and marry her one day, hence the promise ring. She was only 19 but with the war at hand she felt she would be safer accepting the proposal of a fellow Order member in the near future…so why did she feel she must return to her death eater and try to save him from the fate he had chosen?...why was it Severus who haunted her dreams all through the night before? She knew she would return to him, she had no choice. He was in her blood; he was a part of her soul.

* * *

It was raining as Severus made his way to his house on Spinners End. The meeting with his fellow Death Eaters and the Dark Lord had dragged on for far too long. As he approached the house something caught his eye, a flash of red. He advanced towards it, curiously but as he neared he stopped dead in his tracks. Lily was huddled in a little ball, she had wrapped her arms around her knees and she was soaking. There was a bit of mud that had splattered in her hair. "Lily, what are you doing out here?" her head snapped up to the sound of his voice, he noticed her eyes were red, she had been crying. "It's James…well we've been fighting so much lately, it's like he doesn't care anymore, …not how he used to, he never tells me anything. We were supposed to be settling down but…I'm sorry I shouldn't have come." Her eyes were laced with misery and she looked away from him in shame. "I know you hate me Severus (she sniffed)" He said not a word, only shrugged off his cloak and draped it around her shoulders. Severus then took her by the arms and lifted her up. "Come inside out of the rain, you're going to get sick". He scolded softly. Severus lead Lily inside she stood in the hall way awkwardly, not sure if she should sit down, she was dripping water everywhere.

Severus eyed her with concern. "Did he hurt you?" She shook her head. "No of course not." She shivered. Severus cast a drying spell over her and then taking precaution he cast a warming one as well. They were useful little spells he had picked up recently from his readings. Lily nodded her head in appreciation. Severus cleared his throat. "Um, would you like to sit down?" "Alright, if you don't mind."

He raised an eyebrow and made his own way to the couch; she followed and hesitantly sat down beside him, curling her legs beneath her comfortably. They stayed in silence for a while. Neither moving. At last Severus turned to her, "Would you care to discuss it?" Lily laughed humorlessly and shook her head. "Perhaps later I'm very tired." Severus stood up and walked off, a moment later he returned with a book and regained his seat next to Lily. He opened the book. "You can stay here, and get some rest, until you're ready to leave." Lily smiled. "Thank you Sev." He paused at the old nickname but said nothing, returning his attention to his book, "Dark spells for dark wizards." Lily made an unimpressed sound before catching herself. A slight smirk appeared on Severus' lips. But suddenly Lily shifted her weight and looked over at Severus sadly.

"Why did you do it Sev?" The smirk vanished from his face and his lips became a thin line.

"I am not sure of what you speak of."

Daringly Lily reached over and brushed her fingers along his left forearm, he winced as if in pain but allowed his arm to remain beneath her touch. Severus looked thoughtful for a moment. "Power, respect. To prove that I wasn't the pathetic child they all thought I was." He sneered. Lily whispered, "And have you gotten those things?" Severus looked her in the eyes. "I have." She nodded slowly, "but at what cost?" He snatched his arm away from her; she hadn't realized that she'd continued brushing her fingers along his arm. "The dark lord values my talents; I am great at what I do."

"And what is that Severus?" He shrugged, "If I told you I would have to kill you."

He stated plainly as if it were truth. She sighed, "Fine we won't talk about it." "Very well" he murmured. His eyes darted to the ring on her finger; it was quite an unimpressive little thing. Then his eyes moved back to hers and the coldness in his gaze chilled her blood. Lily cleared her throat uncertainly. "It's um, not an engagement ring, it's a promise ring."

Severus gave her a look of indifference but he physically relaxed at her words. Still there was a rigid undertone to his silky voice. "And what kind of promise does a child make concerning a ring?" Lily glared, "A child? I am just as old as you- "Clearly." He scoffed. "Yet you are lacking in maturity. To wear that little ring as if you are playing house." Lily crossed her arms over her chest then tears begin to fall. Severus glanced over at her. "Lily?" She turned away from him. "I'm so tired of fighting with everyone! I can't take anymore." Severus reluctantly dropped the fierceness in his tone. "Alright I won't speak of it anymore. I will not mention Potter and you will not question me about anything pertaining to my current political preferences. Do we have a deal?" She thought for a moment then sighed. "Deal."

Lily stayed late through the night, she had no intention of going home. She placed her head on Severus' shoulder as she had always done. He stiffened but said nothing.

"Do you remember that night in the forbidden forest we snuck out with the firewisky?" Severus grunted, "Of course, I'd never had such a hangover." He smirked. Lily blushed at the remainder of the memory at how she had thrown up all over his shoes. Thankfully he didn't mention it. She smiled, "Remember how I told you that we should just stay in the forest and runaway together?" He gave her a curt nod. Lily closed her eyes. "You should have taken me up on that offer." Severus shook his head. "You wouldn't have lasted through one night in the forbidden forest. Such a brave Gryffindor suddenly afraid of her own shadow once we entered the unknown".

"That's why I have you. To save me from all the scary things, such as shadows". Lily poked him teasingly in the ribs. Severus recoiled from her touch, it had been so long since anyone had touched him and he was still irked by her. She was after all still Potter's…though she had fled and was lying with her head against him. Potter, that disgrace. How long had he been tainting Lily now? 2 years, 3? Suddenly he thought of how she would soon leave and return to the prat. That she would leave and be in his arms! Would she lay with him too? Had she already lain with him?

"So are you still beautiful and innocent or have you let that bastard violate you?" His voice was cruel and his eyes glinted furiously. Lily jerked her head from his shoulder. "Don't speak to me like that!" Any color he had drained from Severus' face. He looked stricken. "You have." Lily grit her teeth. "What do you mean?" Severus glared at her. "You know very well what I mean, you've had-you've slept with…him!"

Lily's expression changed. She looked away. "Oh, um no. I haven't been with anyone… to that extent." She finished awkwardly. The anger in Severus' eyes was replaced by surprise. "You haven't?" Lily rolled her eyes. "No Sev I haven't. I'm not ready for that." Severus smirked, "Understandable, the boy is repulsing." Lily angrily shot him a glare. "I thought we made a deal not to talk about these things?" Severus nodded. "My mistake." The relief was evident in his tone. Lily narrowed her eyes. "Well, have you?" Severus' eyes turned blank. "What concern is that of yours?" Lily crossed her arms over her chest. "Ha! See you don't want to answer the very question you asked me." Severus sneered. "I don't owe you anything." Lily smirked. "You haven't either; you're a virgin as well!" Severus' lip curled menacingly. "Don't be ridiculous, of course I'm not."

Lily uncrossed her arms. A crease appeared between her brows. "You've had a girlfriend then? Or do have a girlfriend?" Severus snorted, "Wrong again. I don't have time for relationships." Lily's face took on a horrified expression. "You've done it; you've done that with a random person? Oh Sev that's awful, your first time is supposed to be special!"

Severus exhaled irately. "Firstly I have done 'that' as you so delicately put it, with random persons not person. Secondly I don't have 'special' moments in my life. It is weak to give into emotions". In contrast to his cool demeanor Lily seemed to be battling mixed emotions from heartbreak for what he had done, to a tad of jealousy. "What about all the times we've spent together?"

Severus was silent for a while. Finally he looked away from her and muttered, "You are an exception." The touch of jealously vanished from her face and she smiled pleasantly. "So you've never told anyone else that you love them?" Severus looked livid. "No, but you have."

The happiness Lily had felt died away. "Oh god Sev it's not like that. I've never felt for James how I feel for"- Her voice trailed off and she stared at Severus in shock at her own words. They had slipped so suddenly from her lips she hadn't even realized what she was saying. Severus' eyebrows were raised in surprise. Lily covered her mouth with her hand, as if she could call back the words she had thought since she first began dating James.

"I should go." She mumbled and ran towards the door. In an instant Severus was in front of her blocking the door with his body. His ebony eyes were fixed on her, calculating. "No you shouldn't." Lily began trembling. "I've got to go." Still Severus made no move to let her pass. "No." She glanced around the room feeling faint. "Please let me go." But her voice sounded false to even her own ears. Severus growled, "No."

Lily stood terrified before him. Severus ran a finger back and forth across his lips, deep in thought. It was a habit that had always driven Lily a bit mad. She cursed herself for the affect he had on her. It petrified her that after all this time when she had made herself content with another that Severus could reappear in her life and cause her safe little world to shatter.

Severus spoke silkily, "You will not leave until we've discuss this fascinating new fact." Lily felt the dread build up inside of her. Then Severus shook his head and dropped his eyes, breaking the binding spell he seemed to cast upon her.

"Lily you've known all this time how you feel when you're with me and still you ignored it. You deny yourself what you thirst for, what is rightfully yours." He lifted his gaze once more and the broken look in his eyes made her gasp.

"Stay with me and leave Potter." He whispered now. Lily felt the tears fall down her cheeks. "I can't hurt him like that, he cares about me." Severus narrowed his eyes. "What about me Lily? You've never seemed to have any issue ripping me apart over and over."

Lily sighed. "You're asking me to give up a peaceful future. A safe life with a good guy, to be the lover of a Death Eater. To throw away all I know and take an insane chance. You chose to serve a monster who will hunt people down, people like me until he is defeated or we are all dead. How can I make such a choice?"

Severus lowered his head shamefully but then snapped back up to look at her again. "But is that what you want? A peaceful life? I have made mistakes I am only a man yet I would rather burn every moment and never know what tomorrow may bring. And you know- you know that I could keep you safe. Nothing will ever hurt you; I can protect you better than anyone. You forget that I'll know what and when his next attacks are."

He kept his searing gaze locked on her for a moment longer than moved away from the door, allowing her to leave should she wish it. Lily shook her head and tears flew about. She reached out and placed her hand on the handle of the door.

Severus watched her without a word more. She paused and turned back to him. "I'll always love you Sev." And she turned the handle and walked out of the door.


	6. Chapter 6

A week passed. Severus paced back and forth downstairs waiting for something. At last a light knock sounded on the door and he jumped. He swept across the room and opened the door. Lily stood before him beaming, a bag of various things slung over her shoulder. Severus felt the corners of his mouth twitch upwards as he failed to suppress a smile. Lily laughed brightly.

"Well are you going to invite me in or are you going to simply stare me into the house?" Severus sneered but his eyes were light as he moved aside to let her in. She had just returned from the Wizarding world after ending her relationship with Potter. She had taken a few days for herself and gone shopping with some girlfriends in Diagon Alley.

"I brought you something." She said cheerily. "I do hope it's something dead." He muttered. Lily rolled her eyes. "You are too morbid for your own good! But yes…I suppose in a way it is." She added slyly.

She reached into her bag and pulled out a thick black book, entitled "Book of the Dead." She handed it to him. "Some of it is a bit dark for my taste but it's quite interesting. Mostly it's just a bunch of old myths and spells that couldn't possibly work but like I said it's very entertaining. And it was written by a vampire back in the 15th century."

Severus was already flipping through the pages. "This is…amazing, where did you find it?" Lily shrugged. "Oh I have my ways, I took a little trip to Knockturn Alley while the girls stopped somewhere for a spot of tea." She said with a wink. He looked up from the book. "What a perfect slytherin you would have made." He said slyly. She raised a perfectly arch eyebrow. "You think so?" Severus leaned in and kissed her. "For the most part." He answered with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Lily spent nearly every day with Severus. She only left him when she was called to an order meeting or he was called by the Dark Mark and of course to go home to her bed. As the weeks passed into months she tended to stay later and later each night. A few times they had dozed off on the couch together, on those late nights they had stayed up reading next to one another. There was a certain topic Severus never brought up although it entered his mind quite often. Lily had yet to stay the night. He wanted her more than anything and wasn't sure how much longer he could pull himself away from her when they'd begin to get intimate. He wanted to make love to her, to take her innocence and give her all the secret things she'd only dreamt of. But he wouldn't rush her, he wouldn't pressure her. He was a patient man, but he was a man nonetheless. Severus would wait until she came to him and told him what she wanted. For now just being with her could be enough.

Then one day while Lily was cuddled next to Severus on the couch she looked absently at the wall and chewed her bottom lip. Severus noticed this and cocked his head to the side inquiringly. Lily's focus remained on the wall and she didn't speak. "What is on your mind Lily?" She shrugged. "Oh it's just I don't feel like taking the trip home tonight, I'm too sleepy, maybe I should just stay." She spoke to the wall earnestly. Severus raised an eyebrow. "You are always welcome to stay. You can take my bed I'll stay down here."

Lily turned to look at him at last. "No, I wouldn't do that, I'll sleep down here, really I don't mind."

"Don't be ridiculous, you will take my bed or you will go home." Lily sighed. "Really Sev, I like it down here, I'll stay on the couch. Thank you anyway though." He studied her for a moment. "You are sure?" She smiled. "Yes, I'm sure. You look sleepy, go ahead and go to bed, I'm going to do the same and I wish to stretch out."

Severus kissed her gently. "Alright. Goodnight Lily." "Goodnight Sev."

He made his way upstairs and laid down in his bed. He hated the thought of Lily sleeping down stairs on the couch. Apparently she did as well because not an hour later Lily warily crept into Severus' room.

He was reading by the dim flickering light of a lone candle. He glanced up at her curiously. "Have you changed your mind about the sleeping arrangements?" Lily nodded. Severus gave a curt nod of his own and snapped his book shut. He made to get off the bed when Lily said something that caused him to freeze.

"No. I mean I want to sleep here, with you." Severus raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure that is the wisest choice Lily." Severus doubted if he could restrain himself if she were to lie down at his side. Lily smiled shyly. "I haven't always been the wisest of witches." And she joined him on the bed.

Severus turned his head away from her and stared out of his window into the night. He felt Lily curl up to him. "Hold me Sev, I'm cold." Severus returned his gaze to her and let his eyes travel over her hungrily. He wrapped his arms around her. She sighed softly and placed her head upon his chest. Severus could feel his heart pounding profoundly. Lily closed her eyes. "My old lullaby." She whispered almost silently. Severus pressed his lips to the top of her head and gave her an affectionate kiss. Lily picked her head up and met his dark eyes with her ever bright ones. "Make love to me." Her voice trembled with nervousness. Severus gave her one of his long searching looks, trying to decide if she had meant it. After a moment more he brought his lips to hers and kissed her deeply. Lily seemed to fold into his kiss. She felt as if all her breath had been stolen from her, he felt as if all of his life had returned to him.

He pulled away suddenly and again his black eyes bore into her light ones. "Are you positive? I want you to be ready." Lily held his gaze and her full lips curved into a smile. "I am ready Sev…but I should warn you since I've never been with a man and I'm not sure…um well I don't know, you know." She blushed deeply and dropped her gaze. She heard Severus' quiet laughter.

"Well I've never…taken a virgin before". She kept her head down. He reached out and placed his fingertips under her chin, raising her head so she could look at him. He spoke softly, "And I've never loved anyone but you Lily. It will be a first for both of us." Lily nodded eagerly. "I love you too and I'm ready Sev." She repeated. A warm smile spread across Severus' face. It was a look she alone knew. Then he kissed her again.

Severus slid lily's nightgown up over her head. She giggled excitedly. He undressed her completely and pulled away from her momentarily to take in the sight before him. She was as radiant as an angel, a true work of art. Her red curls spilled down her bare back, her breasts were the perfect fit for his hands. She peered at him with her emerald eyes, those eyes! Her beauty dazzled him, it always had.

"Don't just stare at me Sev, say something-or wait maybe I should start undressing you now! Here I'll help with your shirt-um how was your day? Maybe we should talk first, about our days. And spells yes spells are nice, why aren't you saying anything? What's wrong?" Lily was panicking and began twisting a curl around her finger. Severus hushed her gently. Lily looked away from him. "I think you should say something, we should- oh I don't know!" Severus sighed, but a smirk was tugging at his lips.

"Calm down sweet girl, take a breath. There is nothing to fear, it's only me. You've known me your entire life and you know that I love you… There is nothing more to say right now." Lily took a deep breath and closed her eyes listening to the sound of his velvety voice. His hands traveled over her body, caressing her tenderly. Her nervousness vanished and was replaced by something else. And she opened her eyes and let her hands reach out to him and undress him. Severus kept touching her; he kissed her lips then her chin, down to her neck. He hungrily bit into her. She felt a burning for him, an ache so strong she wanted to suddenly scream out for him to take her immediately and stop this torturous game.

Severus kissed every freckle on her body, his lips found each inch of her and his eyes swept over her with a fierce urge. He had to remind himself to be gentle. To move in a slow rhythm with her. He touched her as if she were a porcelain doll. His body began to tremble and he drew a sharp breath. He couldn't wait any longer he had to take her, now.

Lily moaned and dragged her nails across his back as he made her his own. As he ruined her for any other man, for she was his and his alone. Their bodies fit together perfectly; they must have been made for one another. At last they collapsed against each other as one. Severus wrapped his arms tightly around Lily. His eyes closed. He inhaled her sweet scent and she shivered as his breath tickled her skin. For a while they said nothing, only lay there embracing one another. At last Lily spoke.

"I always wanted to give myself to you. I feel like this part of me should have always been yours. And now it is." Severus swallowed hard. Her words had stunned him, had moved him. "Thank you." He murmured.

* * *

Over the next few months Severus went about secretly searching for the perfect ring. He was going to marry Lily and nothing would stop him. They would have to wed in a hushed manner and keep it under wraps until the war ended and the Dark Lord fell. Severus still served him; it was the best way to keep Lily safe, to be in the know. He pushed aside his own beliefs, nothing mattered but Lily. He had even missed a few death eater meeting and though Lucius Malfoy had made excuses for him without question, Severus had later suffered the Cruciatus Curse as discipline. He didn't care; he wanted every moment to be spent with her. He had never known happiness outside of her.

Severus came across a most unusual ring in an old antique store. He hadn't planned on stopping in but he had been drawn to the crumbling building and its ancient air. An old woman, the owner of the store no doubt watched him mysteriously.

The ring was white gold and held a most impressive diamond in its center surrounded by deep green emeralds. It had a flowering look. He beckoned the old woman near and asked to see the ring up close. She opened the case and took it out handing it to him. He weighed it in his hand and brought it to the light to study it. At last he turned to the old woman. "How much?" She turned away from him. "It is not for sale." And she snatched it back from his hand.

Severus gawked at her. "It is in the case therefore it is for sale." He hissed. The old woman turned back to him. "There is too much hatred and anger in you for someone so young. You do not deserve that ring." Severus pondered using an unforgivable curse upon her and simply taking the ring. He sighed.

"Perhaps I am unworthy of such a ring but the girl I want to give it to, is anything but. She's as light and good as the dawn and I want to make her mine." He wasn't sure why he had spoken so honestly but he had the strange feeling that the old woman wouldn't let him take the ring otherwise. She narrowed her eyes reading into his mind and he slammed up his walls of Occlumency. At her exasperated sigh he eased up a little and decided to let her see Lily.

The older woman smiled warmly. "Perhaps I judged you too soon. This girl could save you from the fate you've chosen." Severus stared darkly at her. He hadn't revealed any thoughts to her that would convince her he was a Death Eater…then it hit him. She was an exceptionally gifted seer and he cursed himself silently for walking into the antique store. Her eyes glazed over as if she were caught in a vision and when her focus returned her eyes were a little sad. But she handed him back the ring.

"Take it." She murmured. Severus raised an eyebrow. "How much?" The old woman gazed at him thoughtfully. "I am an old woman with nothing left but this dusty antique store which is as ancient as I. My family have all died. Your money would not do me any good. But your word might." Whatever she had seen had changed her mind and Severus didn't bother to ask. He knew she'd never tell him anyway.

Severus looked at her skeptically. She continued. "Promise that you will make this girl happy, that you will make the right choices no matter how difficult they seem." Severus looked at her as if she were mad but nodded slowly. The old woman smiled her toothless smile. "Perhaps you could bring her in here someday, I should like to see what the ring looks like on her finger…she reminds me very much of someone who was the dearest thing to my heart."

He glanced around uncomfortably. Her kindness was too strong and he didn't know how to respond. "Perhaps." Was all he said. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the truth either. The old woman nodded once and patted his hand. "Good day then." And she turned away from him; he thought he saw a tear in her eye. Severus shook his head; he couldn't believe he had just gotten the perfect ring for Lily for nothing more than a promise that he would be a good man to her. He scoffed. It was madness. But as he walked out of the store he was smiling slightly and he deiced to stop off at the nearby pub for a nice shot or two of firewhiskey to celebrate.

A moment later there was a scream. Severus lowered his glass and as everyone ran to the front of the building he snuck around the back to avoid the traffic of people. As he came around to the front he saw the antique store up in flames. His stomach twisted in dread. Those were flames caused by dark magic, the kind a death eater would cause. Just then a hand clasped around his shoulder and Severus swept around to see Lucius Malfoy standing before him. A look of fury in his cool blue eyes. "Come with me now." Lucius had always been one of the closet things to a friend Severus had known. The man was cruel but he wasn't as brutal as say Mulciber who enjoyed torturing people.

Severus grabbed Lucius' arm and they apparated into Malfoy Manor. Lucius turned on him. "What are you thinking Severus she is a mud-blood?" Lucius shouted. Severus narrowed his eyes coolly, "I have no idea what you are referring to." Lucius raised his hand as if to slap Severus and Severus only snorted indifferently. Lucius may have been the older boy in charge back when they were kids but Severus had long since gained a high status with the death eaters.

Lucius let his hand fall to his side, clenching it in a fist. "I've been following you for a few weeks now due to your careless behavior; I've seen you with her. I used Occlumency on that old woman and it only confirmed my suspicions Severus. How could you be such a fool, Evans right? Lily Evans, the same filthy little mud-blood you used to follow around at school?"

Severus knew there was no point in denying it now. Malfoy knew and he had to think fast. "Yes I wanted to make her mine by seducing her. And once I had done that I plan to torment her as she did to me. A taste of revenge, you understand?" Lucius Malfoy sighed. "You lie. You are in love with that abomination. But that is beside the point. The Dark Lord will kill her…and that is only if he feels merciful…there could be a fate far worse than death for your little Mudblood should you continue the affair."

Severus said nothing only made his eyes blank. Lucius swore. "Severus you are an old friend I would hate to see the Dark Lord kill you over something as worthless as that girl. But if you do not end things with her I shall be forced to bring the matter to the attention of the Dark Lord and you will beg for death before he is through with the both of you. I will not let you throw your life away over her. She treated you like the scum of the earth in school, don't forget that."

Severus remained expressionless but he felt himself die inside. He would have to end things with Lily, tonight before Lucius had a chance to go to the Dark Lord. Severus jerked his head in a curt nod and left Malfoy Manor. He apparated to his home and walked up stairs to his room and waited for Lily to return from her day out with the girls.


	7. Chapter 7

"The Dark Lord will kill her…and that is only if he feels merciful…there could be a fate far worse than death for your little Mudblood should you continue the affair." Lucius Malfoy's words scraped through Severus' mind. They echoed through his ears like a haunting condemnation. His love for Lily had been discovered.

Well then they would have to run away together, it was the only way. They would hide somewhere until the end of the war, until The Dark Lord was defeated…it was a hopeless dream. Of course the Dark Lord would find them, Severus had the mark-he could not hide, and Lily…His beautiful lily would be tortured and the death eaters would do unspeakable things to her before murdering her at last. No, that would never happen. Severus would never let anyone harm the one good thing in his life. And in that moment he knew what had to be done.

Severus lay in his bed staring into nothingness. He felt an agonizing dread as he awaited Lily's return. She would appear at any moment and every moment she spent with him now she was in great peril. He heard the distant sound of the door open and close downstairs. He closed his eyes and listened to her soft little footsteps as she made her way up the old staircase to his room. There was a slight spring in her step, he could tell. She always had a sort of dancing rhythm to her step whenever she was cheerful. He heard her hand reach the handle of his room, and took a deep breath. He could do this, he had to. Severus swallowed back his pain and braced himself.

Lily opened the door to her love's room smiling brightly. "Hello Sev, did you miss me?" "But of course." She gave him an odd look, his words had sounded so cool and indifferent. "Is something wrong my love?" She tried to meet his gaze but his eyes remained focus on the wall behind her. "Not at all." Lily frowned but shrugged slightly, "Alright, if you say so…I'm going to change into something more…nighttime appropriate." She flashed him a mischievous grin. "Do as you wish." He muttered.

Lily snorted "What is wrong with you?" Severus turned away from her dismissively, mumbling something incoherent. She sighed and stripped out of her clothes. He heard her rummaging through the draws, no doubt searching for one of her lacy nightgowns. "Sev?" he didn't respond. "Sev look at me." He turned back to her impatiently but his breath caught in his throat as he took in the striking beauty of Lily Evans wearing nothing but his old slytherin scarf around her neck. Even after all this time he could never comprehend how someone could be quite so amazing. It was as if she was a work of art that had been enchanted to life.

He narrowed his eyes and met her pleased gaze. But the smile faded from her slowly, first the joyfulness left her eyes then her mouth pulled downward in confusion. Severus' eyes were cold and black; they did not hold the depth she had come to love. They peered at her with sheer indifference. As if she was nothing to him but an irksome speck in his line of vision. "I'm going to bed, goodnight, Lily." And he turned from her once more.

Lily climbed into the bed and cuddled against Sev. "What happened today?" "Nothing happened." He answered too quickly. Lily reached out to the top of his head and stoked his hair softly. "I love you with my entire soul Severus, I've come to believe I only exist because you do." She wrapped her arms around his unyielding body. Her bare breasts pressed softly into his back. He felt her lips on the back of his neck brushing against his skin with a tender peck, before she snuggled as close as was humanly possible and fell asleep.

Severus didn't move an inch. The desire to turn and face her was almost unbearable. Yet he knew if he surrendered he could never stand his ground, would never be able to regain his façade of self-control. He had to make her hate him, he could do it, he'd done it once before. He had to make her leave him, runaway. He could live with breaking her heart, if it would save her. But he could not bear to break her soul nor to witness the light leave her eyes forever.

His stomach churned as he imagined a world without her, it was unspeakable. He realized then that tears were falling silently, blurring his vision. Severus choked back his emotion, he had to focus now, had to rebuild his walls. At least enough to convince her that he did not love her, his greatest lie.

Morning shone brightly through the windows, spilling sunlight upon Lily's face. She yawned contently and stretched. Severus grit his teeth, it was time. He had not slept for even an hour. The dark circles under his eyes were so prominent against the bloodless pale of his face that he resembled something of a corpse.

"Morning Sev." Lily murmured into his ear. Severus closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the final sweet moments of her bliss. "Sev? Wake up sleepy!" she giggled. "Fine, I'll be right back." Lily leapt out of bed and made her way to the bathroom to wash up and run a brush through her hair, and perhaps put on a little makeup. She wanted to look pretty for him; he had been in one of his miserable moods the night before.

Lily walked out of the bathroom and ran over to Severus; she jumped on him attempting to wake him up. Thinking he would return her playful actions. Instead Severus roughly jerked away from her. "Leave me be Lily." His voice was dangerous. Lily crossed her arms over her chest, "Speak up Sev, what the hell is your problem? Just because you're pissy doesn't mean you can take it out on me. I'm only trying to make you happy." Severus sat up and glared at her. "Then get off of me and stay off of me." Lily let out an agitated hiss. "Don't you dare speak to me that way Severus Snape! Who do you think you are?"

Snape sneered. "Well it would seem that I am the one being attacked by a girl no older than nine." Lily threw up her hands in frustration. "Maybe I should leave you alone." Severus looked into her angry green eyes, his dark ones became devoid of depth. He whispered in a cruel voice, "I think that is best Evans, for both of us. I have been thinking and I have come to the conclusion that our -ah- fun is at an end."

Lily stared at him, wide-eyed. "You-You're a liar." He raised an eyebrow, "But I am speaking only the truth to you. We have had a nice little…experience but as all great things must, it is time to meet the end." Lily stood up. "How can you say these horrible things? I don't know what happened yesterday but I do know how you feel about me, the way I feel for you. How we've always known the strongest love, even as children." Severus laughed heartlessly. "Yes we were childhood friends and perhaps we fooled around as young teenagers, but that is all." Tears were now forming in Lily's shockingly green eyes. "Stop it Sev. Whatever you are doing, stop it!" She screamed. "Don't you dare say those horrible things, take them back! You can't mean it, we're in-in love Sev" her voice became weak as it cracked on his name. Severus wore a smirk on his thin lips. "I admit I've been attracted to you for quite a while now, but I have fulfilled my fantasy and I am finished with you."

The red haired girl composed herself. She raised her chin up arrogantly. "You are a pathetic liar, a disgraceful goddamned liar." She brought her face close to his. "I know you Severus, I know all of your tricks and they won't work on me, they never have. So stop being such a bastard and tell me what is really bothering you." Severus felt his heart stop. He couldn't fight it; he was already leaning into her, his lips almost touching hers. It was useless, he could never fool her, could never deceive her, therefore he could never save her…

"Mudblood." He whispered against her lips. She froze. "What did you say?" her voice shook, her air of confidence shattered. He snarled, "You heard me; you are nothing but a filthy little Mudblood. You aren't worthy of me any longer. I have entertained this…affair long enough."

The color drained out of Lily's face. She began to visibly shake. "You don't mean it." but her voice had lost all conviction. "Don't I?" he murmured darkly. She shook her head violently. "What about all the things you said? I have known you my entire life!" Severus gazed at her thoughtfully. "I would have said anything to have your body. It was my twisted desire, became my strongest obsession to steal your innocence, and now I have done it. …Rather easily I might add."

A stinging sensation reached his face. Lily had slapped him. She looked bewildered and utterly mad. "Shut up Severus, you don't -you can't mean it!" She threw herself at him screaming and crying, "I love you Sev, I know you love me. Stop tormenting me like this! I don't know how you can be so cruel, but I love you, I love you, I love"- Severus snatched her by the shoulders and shook her. "Stop saying that!" he spat, his voice pure venom. "Never!" She tried desperately to kiss him but he held her at bay.

She thrashed about in his arms, pounding his chest with her fists. He was loosening his hold on her; he had never seen Lily so wild, so frantic. He was beginning to get nervous, perhaps this had been a horrible idea…but the thought of her dying was worse. "Evans, regain your pride." His voice trembled slightly but she didn't notice in her insane thrashing. "I DON'T HAVE ANY PRIDE!" She shrieked.

Severus' hands went limp. She collapsed onto his lap sobbing hysterically. This is what hell was. Severus thought to himself, praying to whomever for strength. He longed to brush his hands through her hair soothingly. To hold her to him and beg for her forgiveness and tell her it was all alright, that he hadn't meant those despicable words of hurt. But he kept his hands firmly at his sides. He had to.

"I'll kill myself if you leave me Sev. I swear to god I'm not above it." She snapped her head up and looked him in the eyes. Her own were bloodshot and mascara ran down her face. Strands of her red hair stuck to her face mingled with tears and distressed sweat. There was the strongest rage in Severus' dark eyes that she had ever seen. "Don't be an idiot." He almost stammered and cursed himself as he tried to salvage his mask of apathy. She roughly wiped her eyes with her hand. "You will be the death of me. I can feel it in my bones, as if it has always been your destiny to destroy me."

Severus sneered. "You are melodramatic." Lily stopped crying. She now resembled something defeated; she looked like a stranger to him. "Say you don't love me and I will leave." Severus looked away from her and spoke quietly, "I have already told you so." Lily leaned into him once more. "I want to hear you say the words. And I will never bother you again. And I will know that all I have ever believed in, all I have truly loved was a lie." Severus bit his lip until he tasted blood.

"I have already told you"- she spoke over him, "say the words Sev, swear that you have never loved me, I need to hear the words." Severus drew a sharp breath then looked her in the eyes. His face was smooth and expressionless, as if he had never had a care in the world. When he found his voice at last he spoke definitely, "I do not, nor have I ever loved you, Lily Evans. I swear it on my life."

He had done it. He had found a loophole at last; he could damn his own life that was easy, he had sold his soul long ago to The Dark Lord. She had not asked him to swear on her, for he wouldn't have been able to risk it. Not even to save her. But it was all over now.

She stood up without a word and grabbed a few things then walked out of the door and never turned back. He heard her footsteps down the stairs and when he heard the front door slam shut behind her he waited a few minutes longer than walked to the window and watched her disappear down the twisting road which lead away from Spinner's End. "I will find you when the war is over and we will be together again..." He vowed. Severus let out an anguished roar. He slammed his hand through the window, shattering it. Blood dripped down from his wounds but he paid no mind. Physical pain was nothing, in fact it to him it felt like home. The most painful thing was that she had believed his wicked words. Words: such fragile little things that can create both bliss and salvation, at the same time hatred and devastation. Severus buried his head in the pillows and could faintly smell her perfume.


	8. Chapter 8

Two years later Lily married James Potter. He brought her smile back to her when she wondered if she'd ever smile again. He made her laugh, he made her a happy woman. She would have his child one day and they would be the perfect little family, she knew it.

An owl stood outside of Lily Evans', soon to be Potter house. He peered in through the window of her bedroom. Lily's mother placed a beautiful jeweled butterfly hairclip in her daughter's tumbling red curls as lily admired her stunning wedding gown in the mirror. "You make the perfect bride Lily!" Her mother exclaimed warmly and her daughter hugged her tightly. "I love you so much mum." Mrs. Evans stood back to look at her little girl, all grown up. "You're happy now Lily, I can see it. I was wondering if the light would ever come back into your eyes, it's been absent for too long". Lily shrugged casually. "You know me mum, far too melodramatic for my own good I guess." Mrs. Evans kissed her baby sweetly. "I'll leave you for any finishing touches, but hurry! James is already at the church!" Lily nodded as her mother closed the door behind her.

Lily gazed at her reflection. She was very happy…but her smile turned to a bittersweet one. Just as quickly as it had come she shook her head and turned towards the window as the watchful owl pecked on the glass to get her attention. She opened the window and the bird dropped a letter at her feet then flew away. It was addressed to her. She slid a finger under the blood red wax seal in the shape of two serpents entwined and broke it open.

She nearly fainted as she read the emerald ink words written in a familiar script on the anonymous letter:

Your heart belongs to Gryffindor but your soul belongs with Slytherin. You betray your soul.

Severus could not stop himself. He had to send that letter. He could not allow her to live a peaceful life with that…that arrogant bastard without trying to bring some sense into her thick head. She should be suffering just as he himself was!

There was something different about Severus since he had heard the news of Lily's engagement to Potter. The flicker of light within his soul had extinguished and had been replaced by a quiet madness. Severus had become the essence of shadow, surrounded by all that was dark. His humanity died away. He was heartless, faithless, and soulless. The perfect Death Eater.

* * *

Time had no meaning for Severus. Every day was the same. He would work on potions for the Dark Lord or create his wicked curses. He would work through the night, and when the stress of working became too strong he found company with meaningless women. Sex was easy, emotions weren't necessary as long as one was careful not to sleep with the same person twice. This night he shoved a beautiful dark haired girl against a wall of Knockturn Ally. He roughly pressed his body to hers and she welcomed it, although he paid no mind to her pleasure as he was only concerned with his own. She moaned as he pressed into her again and again, entering her body with his greedily. "You are a wonderfully wicked lover." The girl murmured. Severus hissed, "Do not speak and do not look at me." Again he took her. And when he was through he backed away from her quickly, re-buttoning his trousers. Then he turned away and stalked off. "Where are you going?" She called after him; he paused for a moment and tilted his head to the side but did not look at her. "That is no concern of yours." And Severus swept away into the shadows.

Houses were burned, people were tortured and killed. Severus watched from behind his mask. He attended the raids but seldom participated. He found no thrill in inflicting pain but it didn't affect him anymore either. There was a time he would become sick at such horrors, when he would toss and turn in his sleep from the screams. He smirked; it seemed like a lifetime ago now. Severus had become indifferent to life all together.

Then one day Severus told the Dark Lord about a prophesy he had overheard Trelawney revealing to Dumbledore. Severus stood with the rest of the death eaters as Voldemort paced back and forth in front of them, picking at random some poor soul to use crutiatus on. Voldemort at last grew bored of this and re-told the tale of the prophesy to his servants. At last he told them who he believed it to concern. James and Lily Potter's son.

Lucius Malfoy stole a side glance at Severus warning him not to do anything rash then fixed his eyes upon the ground once more. Severus had gone numb. Voldemort had thought the prophesy referred to Lily's baby? The Dark Lord feared his demise would come from the hands of Lily's infant? The idea was preposterous and horrifying. Severus drew a daring breath and cleared his throat. "My Lord?" He whispered. He noticed Lucius close his eyes tightly for a moment.

The Dark Lord turned an irritated eye to Severus. "You dare to speak Severus?" Severus kept his eyes to the ground. "If I may my Lord." Voldemort scoffed. "I suppose you may. You have done well bringing me this prophesy, go on."

Severus kept his mind guarded as he spoke. "I understand you must kill the child but the mother, Lily she and I were…acquainted once. She is brilliant and could serve the cause well should you spare her life. And I…I'd like to have her as my prize." Voldemort laughed nightmarishly. "The mud-blood? You desire the mud-blood?" Severus nodded. Voldemort stopped laughing. His red eyes bore into Severus' skull. "You are quite the fool to show such weakness Severus Snape. I have killed men for far less."

Severus braced himself for the Crutiatus curse or to be struck down dead with Avada Kedavra. Instead the Dark Lord sighed. "I will tell you what; since you have been such a loyal servant to me I will not kill her if she stays out of my way." Severus' heart broke. There wasn't a chance Lily would let the Dark Lord kill her child and simply stand by.

"Thank you my lord." He muttered softly and Voldemort clasped his hands together. "Now that this is done with you may all leave my presence. I will contact you when it is time to kill the child."

Severus left the Dark Lord and apparated as close to Hogwarts as was possible. He knew he would be killed on spot by either side if they saw him but there was no other alternative. Dumbledore was the only wizard who could protect Lily now. He whipped out his wand to contact Dumbledore; the wind blew fiercely whipping his hair in his eyes. It would take magic he hadn't used in so long…mostly he only ever used dark magic now.

He tried to think of something happy but his focus kept falling due to his nerves. At last he managed to think about the possibility of saving Lily and shot a patronus to Dumbledore. Now all that was left to do was wait. Severus paced around ringing his wrists with his hands. His fear was so strong one could smell it in the air. But he wasn't afraid for himself, not for Dumbledore killing him or the Dark Lord discovering his treachery, he only feared he would be struck down before he had the chance to tell the wise wizard about the Dark Lord's plan and fail in saving Lily.

Dumbledore had agreed to protect the Potters. As much as Sever loathed the idea of Lily remaining in a happy little family with Potter and Potter's brat, he was relieved to know that she would be safe. When the war ended Severus would go to her and tell her everything. She would leave Potter just as she had last time and she would wear his ring instead. As for the brat…well Harry was Lily's son so perhaps he could stand raising it as his own…though the idea seemed sickening. But he loved Lily and would do anything for her. They would be together again; it was only a matter of time.

The year passed and Severus proved himself to be a great double agent. He took a job at Hogwarts of Potions Master since Dumbledore refused him the Defense Against the Dark Arts post. The dark lord was pleased believing he now had a spy in Hogwarts to keep him informed of Dumbledore's plans. Severus however soon discovered that he hated children. They were moronic and held absolutely no talents in the complexity of potion brewing. They were unimaginative and whiny. But they soon learned to keep their mouths shut as he found pleasure in tormenting them and taking points, mostly from Gryffindors.

One night as Severus was grading papers with failing marks he felt the excruciating burning of his left forearm. The pain temporarily blinded him. He'd never known it to hurt this strongly before. He screamed out but suddenly the pain vanished. And the mark began to fade. Severus knew the dark lord had fallen but then that meant…Lily.

He ran to out of the castle to the gates of Hogwarts where he could apparate to Godric's Hollow. The house, her house was destroyed. She could be hurt, trapped inside under the rubbish. He quickly made his way inside through the broken door which swung loosely on its hinges. The dead silence of the house was shattered by the screaming of a baby. Severus crept towards the sound of the wailing child. He had to know if she lived, although it felt as if the world was already lost to him, he felt something within him die only moments ago and prayed it was only the connection of the dark lord breaking away from him.

He moved like an angel of darkness, an angel of death. He didn't pause as he stepped over the dead body of James Potter. He moved towards the child's bed room where it continued to cry.

There on the ground lay Lily. Her green eyes wide and dull, empty. She was dead. Severus staggered back and collapsed against the wall. He crawled over to Lily and gathered her up in his arms. Her body was still slightly warm, she had only just died. Severus pressed his lips to hers desperately, pleading for her life to return to her. His body was shaking and tears streamed down his face as he pulled away and looked into her empty eyes. He threw his head back in pure despair and howled to the heavens. He screamed out in anguish until his throat felt as if it were bleeding and his voice was no more.

Severus rocked the dead girl in his arms. Then heard someone coming and knew he had only minutes left with her, seconds. He tore himself away and glanced back at her one last time. He then turned and apparated outside the gates of Hogwarts where he let himself in and disappeared into the deepest depth of the dungeons.

_"You said you would keep her safe." _Severus was slumped down in a chair in the headmaster's office. His breathing came out in sharp gasps and his hands trembled. His black eyes darted around the room wildly until they fixed themselves upon Dumbledore in an accusing manner, but his anger would not hold. His despair was too great.

_"Lily and James Potter put their faith in the wrong person, much like you Severus." _The little jab did not affect him, Severus was far too sorrowful to bite back. Dumbledore looked at the man collapsed in his chair and muttered thoughtfully, "Is this remorse Severus?"

_"I wish- I wish I were dead." _He whispered.

_"If you truly loved her than your way ahead is clear. The boy has her eyes, exactly her eyes. You do remember the exact shape and shade of Lily Potter's eyes don't you?"_

_"DON'T! ...gone….dead…"_

After a moment he mastered his breathing and looked up at Dumbledore. Severus understood that he would have to protect Harry Potter, Lily's son. He had failed in saving her but he would not fail in saving the damn child…the child who should have been his…the child whose mother should have been his wife.


	9. Chapter 9

Severus waited until the church was empty. He had been standing in the same place for hours, unmoving and unseen. He didn't feel the cramping in his legs or the wetness of the rain falling down upon him. No Severus Snape felt nothing but the desperation to see her one last time. He swept up the steps and walked into now lonesome church. He cast quick charms behind him to ensure that no trespassers would enter while he made his way to the body of Lily Evans-Potter. Her casket had been sealed but Severus easily removed the lid with a wave of his wand.

And there she was with her bright green eyes forever shut, as she lay in eternal sleep. Severus brought his hand to her face, this time no warmth lingered; there was no proof that she had ever been alive. He reached down and snatched her hand tearing off the gaudy golden wedding ring of Potter's. He threw the ring and as it clanked to the ground he never bothered to see where it landed. He shoved his own ring onto her finger, the white gold engagement ring with the deep green emeralds surrounding a sparkling diamond in a flowering shape. Severus had kept it all these years, waiting for the instant when the Dark Lord was defeated to return to his love. She would have married him had he had the chance to propose. Had Lucius Malfoy not discovered their secret. Had he never gotten the dark mark in the first place. She would have married him and had his child instead of the brat which had led to her death. But of course Lily Evans (Never mind Potter) would die for her child. Naturally she would sacrifice herself for something so disgustingly helpless.

Severus glared at the peaceful lifeless body before him. "You said I would be the death of you. That you thought it was my destiny to destroy you…But do you not see that it is you who have destroyed me? I only said those horrible things to you to protect you. And you believed me, how dare you believe I didn't love you, that I never loved you." He was growling and hatred poured from his voice, mingled with pain. "Now you will never know how I suffer for you, because you had to be a fool… Why did you marry him?"

The corpse did not respond. Severus' breathing was rough and heavy, but his body shook with sobs. "How am I to live without my soul? I thought I'd sold it to the devil but in truth it was never mine to sell. From the moment I met you it was bound to you and you alone. You have left me with nothing but regret, despair, and hopelessness. You have left me without forgiveness…well I do not forgive you!"

Severus raised his wand and shouted, "Sectumsempra!" He slashed opened a vein on his wrist and blood spurted out, he brought his wrist to the dead girls mouth and the blood kissed her lips. "I curse you Lily Evans, may you never find peace as long as there is breath in my lungs and blood in my veins. May you suffer as I suffer! …Haunt me, I beg you. Do not abandon me for heaven while the gates are surely locked to me. I bind my soul to yours, in this church as Heaven and Hell as my witnesses, you will be mine again as I am yours." And he watched intently as the final drops of blood fell from his wrist as he quickly mutter the counter curse and ceased bleeding. He wondered if the curse would work or if it was another myth from the 'Book of the Dead' she had given him. But it didn't matter, he believed it would.

With an easy flick of his wand the casket re-sealed its self. Severus caught the glint of Potter's ring from the corner of his eye and blasted it into oblivion. He walked out of the church shakily. And the moment he apparated into Spinner's End he collapsed on all fours and heaved violently. After some time he steadied himself and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. Cursing Lily, himself, heaven and hell; he dragged himself off the street and walked into his house slamming the door shut behind him.

* * *

Ten years later Severus Snape would see Lily's eyes stare up at him from Potter's face. So this is how she had chosen to haunt him. She was a true slytherin after all. He hated the boy who was sickeningly similar to his father. The same arrogance, the same weakness.

Seven years later he would be dying at the boy's feet. And only then he would really see the boy for the first time. He felt the boy apply pressure to the gaping wound on his neck; the scent of blood was so strong it burned his nose. Severus looked at the boy who had been the spitting image of James; however he no longer saw it. Harry had compassion, he was gentle and kind. He had his mother's soul. Severus reached out and with the last of his strength he grabbed the boy and pulled him near.

"Look –at –me." He strained to speak as the blood rose in his throat, choking him. Pain shot through his body from the venom of the snake bites and every moment was a lifetime of agony.

_The green eyes found the black but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, bland, and empty. The hand holding harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more._

The prince was blinded by a vivid white light. It filled him with familiar warmth which had been long lost to him. It seeped into him, through him and it stole away his pain. He made out the silhouette of a doe in its brilliance. And softly, so softly he couldn't be sure, he thought he heard a faint whisper…"Thank you, for everything Sev."

And the prince faded away from this world; he had found his peace at last.

~_FIN~_


End file.
